Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Has It Been Two Weeks?

Time flies, time drags.

The house is still occupied by moi, since banks and lenders have gone from, "Sure, have $400,000 even if you don't have a job!" to "I don't care if you have 3/4 of the purchase price as a down payment, we have to fine tooth comb this application!". All is still moving forward, closing is set for tomorrow, it's simply been a long arduous process.

Half of my remaining things are at the new apartment, and half are here. Makes for interesting dressing, as I sent my clothes to the new house. Good thing I like these two teeshirts and my jeans...

Travel plans adapt, too... Yesterday, I happened into a chat program I never use, and there was Mellie.. one of my oldest and dearest friends, who used to live in the UK (where we met via chat rooms) and now is in the desert of Saudi with her husband. We've not seen each other for six years, with the move and me missing her by a week or so when I'd make my trips to the UK and she'd be coming home. Our children have played together, and remain good friends via the internet... her R had a huge crush on HRH, and they are the family I mentioned in my Thanksgiving tale this year.

One thing led to another, and in spite of a huge time difference, we spent 5 hours chatting with Skype... laughing, crying, gossiping... and the realisation we've not seen each other hit immediately.

So, from the UK, I'll journey to Saudi to spend 10 days... again, with a friend who is like a sister. With a family I've watched grow up (even if from a distance) and I can't wait. Weeks of friends and family, what more do I need?

Oh, right.. my clothes and suitcase to be in the same place, so I can pack it.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Glow Little GlowQuin, Dimmer, Dimmer...

Safe to go back into the public once again.

The dosage I was given was at a lower radiation blah blah (technical term) than my initial treatment two years ago, which kept me isolated for a week. This time, I'm good to go tomorrow. At that point, more blood drawn (will they EVER listen when I show them the only vein they'll get anything out of? So far, no.) and meds restarted, putting me back on my feet for the first time in five weeks.


The nice man who ran the scans said everything looked great... officially, I have to wait until I get the report from the doctor, but, I'm going with "... no sign of any new masses." I never thought I'd like the sound of the word "mass" again. I am staying on the course of avoiding said word, in any form. There is still the question of numbers that jump around, but, I can live with changing meds all the time versus what they had feared. I wish my little cancer was detected by blood work... it isn't. Such is life.

I've had my fill of mashed potatoes, since that's the easiest thing to make (boil water, pour in package) along with far too much rice pudding. When ill or depressed, my comfort foods are white. This doesn't bode well for my hips... ha!

Prayers wing up, prayers are answered. I'm lucky I had so many with my name on them....

Thank you, everyone.

Three Word Wednesday~Flash Fiction


Three Word Wednesday:


Things Aren't Always What They Seem

So entwined they resembled some mutant crab, the two young men scuttled across the mat, each doing his part to create the vision of wrestling, and not allow anyone to grasp the slight physical nuances that made it the lover’s tryst it had become over the years. Touching, grunting, hands sliding over each other in a sweeping caress, bodies pressed together..... if anyone ever caught on, they would have to forfeit all that they knew of life as it was. Instead, they took turns winning matches against the other, maintaining a rivalry, while whispering code phrases of devotion under harsh exhalations of breath whenever they were locked face to face in the duel. Homeward with friends, each back with their respective fans who cat-called cheers and jeers out of car windows to the opposing team, the quiet bubble they sat in was put down to a loss or exhaustion--never to the rending of heart created when you leave your loved one.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Hi Ho-I'm Off To Glow!

Hospital in an hour.

Nuclear meds, ice cold bones, complete exhaustion, being radioactive....24 hours, three tests and I get to come home.

I'm ready for this series, I'm in full belief all is well... and I thank everyone for their well wishes and kind words they've sent.

When I'm finished glowing, I'll log back in... it will be great to catch up.

Later, taters.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I'm Tired Of Playing The Game

I'm never sure how much of my life to put here in my bit of the universe.

I tend to stick to observations, saving my intense personal stuff for my good ol' pen and paper journal and another journal I don't advertise. Like many people, I censor, not wanting some things that open up scars, wanting to play this role, I guess, of things being spiffy.

The things that have happened in my life gave me great strength, along with soul scarring sorrow. I grew up with a parent who has always chosen other people over me... from her son that has been excised from my life to her friends to other women my age... and all held out as what I should be. She carried this over to the treatment of my children, calling those she was a nanny for later in her life 'grandchild', yet, she didn't come to HRH's wedding, citing numerous excuses... leaving my child without the grandmother she adores at the biggest day of her life.

I raised my children with the motto WWMD? What would Mother do? And, I did the opposite.

Perhaps I'm lucky in the knowledge I am not the only one she treats with such coldness, finding excuses, holding me out as the one who is wronging her... any chaos she is part of, she walks away from, denying culpability. She has done things morally that I cringe from even thinking about, defending her actions, always removing herself from the equation. Her son helped bankrupt one of Mother's oldest friends, and Mother says she is "....tired of listening to her go on and on about that mess!". That mess left a 78 year old woman caring for her disabled 24 year old grandson, who went from a comfortable lifestyle to struggling to make ends meet. All of this is laid at the GoldenChild's feet. Mother walked away with a home bought and paid for... while her friend cries every month, wondering what will happen to her grandson, since all of her investments are gone.

I was so in need of her approval, never forthcoming, that I married someone as narcissistic as she is--continuing to slog forth in the Valley of Disapproval.

I have to accept my own responsibility in all of this.. I continue to hope. I keep thinking if I do the right thing, if I portray her in the right setting, the Universe will give me the Mother I always wanted. I have to remind myself this will not happen; she didn't just wake up this way, she's always been this way. I will never be talented enough, 'Christian' enough, pretty enough, nothing enough. I can still hear one of her friends saying, on the walk up to my house, "If you start on that child (in the South, you remain 'the child') one more time, I'm walking out!" I can travel to care for her, help pay her bills, hold her hand, everything I should do and be.. and it's not that it's not enough, it's that she doesn't love me, and that is that.

What adds to the whole mix is, when she's treating me the way she treats other people, with full on laughter and this amazingly attractive personality she has in a crowd, we have great fun. We have had a session of 'trading' jewelry... I saw something of hers I wanted, and offered a trade. We dumped out all of my junk jewelry, and she went though, bargaining with me, laughing, hiding it in her bra... finally, I had my ring and she had a bag of nice costume jewelry. "Where did you get this nice stuff, Quin?", she asked. "You gave it to me last year for the girls to use as dresss up stuff." was the answer, sending her into waves of laughter.

Normally, if I have something she wants, she takes it, not saying a word. What is hers is hers, what is yours is hers. The number of times I've walked into the homes of one of the two women she chose over me, and seen something of mine, in unbelievable.

Don't get me wrong, as a Nanny, she took on two families with kids, and those children adore her, as she adores them. She was given full rein in how they were raised, whereas I was wary... still, those families love her as a full blooded family member (see friends we choose comment below). And, their full on acceptance of who she is, keeps her visiting them, not one of her blood children, for holidays. She continues to defend her son, regardless of what he's done, and tosses Brother and I aside, in his favour...even though we are the ones who bail her out every time. These people she's made 'family' never question that none of her children speak to her, well, I did, barely. One child would be that, that particular child has an issue. All three of us? Two of us citing the same reasons, the same sense of distance and always being sixth best? Nah, that's at her feet. Her son is batshit crazy, a thief, someone you'd not want to know and her current anger is over the fact Brother and I refuse to 'make amends' with him, to even speak of him. I mean, really.

I know of people who have had far worse situations with a parent, this knowledge of being abandoned, of being left with that understanding no matter what, it will never change. It doesn't stop you from trying. It doesn't stop the pain. I am blessed with my Brother and SIL, who have formed a family with me. I have my children, who are my breath. I have friends that give me reason to thank God and the Universe for the amazing people that they are, allowing me to remember friends are family we choose. Sometimes, you get really lucky and your family is someone you choose to be family--someone you are happy to have in your life. I am fortunate my Aunt is this amazing woman, who loves me and accepts me for who I am, who welcomed Zenmaster and Miss H as full on niece and nephew from the minute I started dating their father. She laughs at me, she cries with me, she is the closest thing to a Mom I've ever had.

In the middle of the night, when you are torn up over yet another slapdown, another episode of me opening up again, giving her a chance, and having her pick someone else....

.....the pain is greater, because I shouldn't have to have someone else fill that role.

Monday, January 5, 2009

At Least My Ass would Have Cushioned the Fall

News flash! Ice causes falls!

Especially when it's a 2" thick floor of ice under 4" of fresh snow... My town is great about plowing, however, they plow into huge piles, blocking the drainage when the sun is out long enough to melt the damn stuff. Therefore, I have Lake Quin in my street gutter and spilled onto my sidewalk (I live at the top of a 6% grade hill), making for beautiful skating... I simply decided to do said skating sans skates, falling up hill, flat on my face.

It cost me a cup of coffee, the scuffed toes of my cowboy boots, and my pride. Always looking for a positive, the coffee melted a patch big enough for me to gain my balance, and move onto the sidewalk to the house.

Lesson learned?

Buy salt.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year's MeMe

Here is how it goes, you create a poem of sorts, using the following prompts. I decided this was easier than being truly creative:

Line 1: Your first name.
Line 2: Four descriptive traits.
Line 3: Sibling/Family member of...
Line 4: Lover of... (people/ideas/objects/etc)
Line 5: Who feels...
Line 6: Who needs...
Line 7: Who gives...
Line 8: Who fears...
Line 9: Who would like to see...
Line 10: Resident of... (your town/city/etc)
Line 11: Your last name (or you may choose another name to describe yourself).

I'd love to see other's versions of this, please... Mine is as follows:

quirky, nurturing,creative,droll
mother of many
who finds joy in theater and film
she knows the word love is as scary as the word cancer
yet still seeks that person who is her home
she gives as much as she's capable of
and worries it won't be enough
dreaming of walking the streets of london again
while living in a land of mountains and mormons

Your turn!