Friday, May 29, 2009


i manage to pack at least a box a day.

i can't quite get into the groove of packing and moving, although i know i need to do just that.

instead, i write, i watch hgtv and, oh, yeah... i go to the movies.

the way i'm going to do right now.



i thought i was all set to move to denver.

then.... old, dear friend gave me a heads up to a flat in hell's kitchen in new york. sublet, two bedroom, five floor walk up, rent controlled... r e n t c o n t r o l l e d flat in hell's kitchen. i am going to talk to the current resident tomorrow. his only stipulation is that he can come back when he wants to spend a week or so in the city. he's retiring to the coast, it seems, and wants someone who would love his apartment, who loves the city, who loves theater... so, she gave him my name.

we'll see, we'll see.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

back to being just a blog

i've been putting my scribblings onto this site, when i should have put them in their own location.

so, all my writing is being moved to here if you are interested.

sadly, i wasn't clever with the name of the blog.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Sunday Scribblings~Worry

the prompt was 'worry'

what, me worry?

who doesn’t worry, is my question. i mean, who doesn’t wake up with something, someone on their mind, eating up brain waves and emotional space with worry? if you don’t worry, well, i’m sorry... there is something really pretty fucked up with you, at least in my opinion. is my opinion worth something to you? dunno, but, it’s nothing i’m going to worry about... i’ve got things like grasshoppers showing up and my heart breaking and a sense i’ll wake up one day, and know that no one is the slightest bit interested in me... maybe because i worry too much.

i’m just saying, well, if you pretend all is swell, and you don’t worry about being liked, or loved, or someone hitting on you or how your day is going to go or...well, lots of are dead.

or, a liar.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Soon, soon

things are rapidly moving forward.

i had planned on being out of this flat and on the move to the new one in mid june... however, depending on what the zenmaster sees when he looks at my two choices tomorrow, i may have a place in denver by monday, with a move in date of 1 june.

this means i'll have to pack up this place, put it in storage, move in with hrh to help out while she's alone, help her pack, we'll load up two trucks, and i'll settle into my new place 3 weeks after i started paying rent.

the other option is the flat available in july, putting me with storage in denver, and shuttling sophie and i between friends until i can get in..

both ways create their own problems.

and, all problems can be sorted out easily.

it's hitting me, i'm actually leaving this little town i've lived in for 8 years, leaving behind memories of friends, my dad, theater, good times.

and moving to where i'll have more memories and good times to be made.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Saying Goodbye

woven in and around and before and after the weather guy was my oddship.

we met three years ago, i took one look and i knew this guy in the really shitty green coat was where i wanted to be, right next to him, listening and talking and inhaling his scent.. watching his hands with the nails bitten down flash in the air as he spoke in this voice that had undercurrents of laughter and a sense of a joke he held that no one knew but him. he has a wicked bad smile that won me as much as his eyes that are the same colour as mine. i walked into a room, and saw him and he saw me and something clicked. i was a romantic who never believed in romance.. and here, i saw hope.

we wrote and spoke and met a few times, the meetings difficult due to location, location, location...regardless, our connection didn't falter. i knew others that knew him, but, kept my association with him quiet, to myself... sharing with a few the basic details, never going on about how his name in my mailbox made me dance with joy at times. never discussing how seeing him caused my heart to pound and even his occasional glares were important. he is as inept as i am in social situations, and, except for the investment.. no one has ever made me laugh as hard as he has.

after a year, i offered up how i felt.. and, the response wasn't what i thought would happen... so, i shut down, closed up, and moved into being a friend, something he needs.

i took up the offer of something with the weather guy, thinking this would soothe my heart, my feelings, give me a new focus... and it did. i simply refused to kiss him, only my oddship had that from me... fleeting, perhaps, but, it was his. i slept with a man i never kissed, and kissed a man i never slept with.. odd, eh?

the conversations between us never stopped... i censored things to him, kept his needs forefront.. was a good friend. in turn, he listened to my rants, gave me excellent advice, and always gave me peace of mind when i worried.

yes, there are times i've been angry with him over real or imagined slights, over miscommunication, over perceived pain. he was equally open in the good and the bad.. some of his words will stay with me forever, in their depth of understanding and beauty of language.

tonight, i wrote to say i have to walk away.... my vision of what is causes me pain, his dancing around causes pain, and, no matter how much i love him.. and i do... i can't do this anymore.

i'd love to think he'll miss me, want me back, realise how important i am... i know it won't happen. i damaged ego, and his is delicate. i do know, however, i have to protect myself, and, i deserve to be seen in light and trust and joy...not being guilty until i can prove myself innocent.

i will not open the email address that is his and his alone for a long time...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My Ears!!

cricket on the hearth. jimney cricket. it was quiet, with only the crickets gentle chirping.

all of these are complete and utter horsewaddleshit. there is currently a cricket it in my house, one of those nasty, black, "hey! our friends are dead, so let's eat them!" crickets in my house , and if it doesn't die soon, i'll go mad.

sophie tilts her ears as it chirps happily away, under god knows what bit of furniture, trying to suss out where it is. then, she goes back to sleep, looking as if she's managed to accomplish something.
i'm not sure what she's accomplished aside from irritating me that the darn cat can't catch a cricket. what's going to happen if we ever had a mouse??

the noise really is beyond anything soothing. it sounds gleeful it's keeping me alive, knowing i fear them almost as much as grasshoppers, the way they creep and jump. you can't squish them because they make a crunch sound then spew out white stuff which you then have to pick up with a tissue, squealing the whole time and saying "EW EW EW" in a high pitched voice.

this is when i miss a husband.

nah, just joshing on that part.

so, i put my ear plugs in, hope no one calls or knocks on the door because i won't hear them, and we all know sophie isn't going to do a thing about the noise a robber makes.

i can't move soon enough.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sunday Scribblings~Disconnected

the prompt word today was 'disconnected'


it’s difficult to type right now. the left over butter and melted chocolate from the hot popcorn sprinkled with m&m’s still clings to my fingertips, causing them to slide over the keys. i know, i know; i just had a bucket of heartattack-waiting-to-happen...but, i can’t disconnect myself from the desire to wallow in that bucket. it’s always a struggle to stay slim, acceptable, socially on the physical mark. and now, well, now, i’m willing to surround my bones with what the germans call ‘sad fat’. it’s time to expose the truth.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

reasons to be pretty~A Review

this is supposed to show up on another site on the internet, however, i felt like posting it myself, too.

reasons to be pretty

During a phone call with the man I was dating not so long ago, I mentioned every woman wonders what she looks like to others. He responded, “Well, you’re not unattractive.”

Gee, thanks. The blow to my (fragile) ego was immense. Call me ugly... ugly has great beauty in it’s depth. Call me handsome... some women are, with strength showing in their faces. But, “....not unattractive”?? Just a roundabout way of saying ‘regular’, which was harsh to hear.

This is exactly the basis for the screaming fight we come into as the lights go up in ‘reasons to be pretty’, the 2009 Tony nominated play (Best Play, Best Actor, Best Actress) by Neil LaBute, currently at the Lyceum Theater in New York.

Greg (Thomas Sadoski), the man dancing around to avoid the words and insults thrown by his girlfriend of four years, Steph (Marin Ireland), was inept enough to apply the adjective ‘regular’ when discussing Steph with his friend, Kent (Steven Pasquale); a conversation overheard by Kent’s wife, Carly (Piper Perabo) who promptly called Steph, and repeated the manly conversation word for word. Word. For. Word.

The following scenes in this two act play show us how the four move through the minefield we call ‘relationships’, stepping on mines the entire time.

I saw this work first when it was produced at the Lucille Lortel Theater on Christopher by the MCC group. At that point, it had words I didn’t hear this time, and words that exist now, that didn’t before. I missed a few of the phrases, the bits that created the characters... and, I welcomed new additions that added to the texture of the play.

I did notice the usual mention of a Buick by LaBute in his work was now missing, but, that’s not important.

What is important is the sense you have when you first start viewing the production... a sense of superiority, of listening to language screamed and barely suppressed violence, and the understanding this happened many times before with these two combatants. It is a, “That’s certainly not how I behave. Hrumph, obviously not as good as I am.” As we move along, that feeling falls away, leaving you at the end with the understanding you may not be as honest or as strong as some of the characters. It is not a pleasant feeling.

Of all of LaBute’s works, and, I’ve read or seen all of them-- this was his most balanced. There is redemption of one character after the initial tinge of dislike, and, he creates his first (male) character to knowingly self-sacrifice. Add to it that usual LaBute way of holding us accountable for ourselves by saying, “Look. This could be you.”, toss in the depth of language, the rapid slap shots of the arguments, the wit so dry you feel moisture leaving the air, the understanding of how we function, of what hurts the most, the raw emotion, a ending of hope--all of this gives the production lagniappe... a little something more than you usually find on Broadway.

Terry Kinney has done a wonderful job with his direction and in guiding each of the actors (Ireland and Pasquale are new to the cast, Perabo and Sadoski have reprised their off-Broadway roles) to work well within the frames of their characters. I still love the beauty of the simple set, the music is perfect (make sure you pay attention to the Muzak during the Mall scene), excellent light design, and there is a hell of a stage manager.

Oh, yes, the cast....they are tightly meshed together, working as this effective unit to bring you into their world, allowing you to believe in them completely. Although each is superb, Sadoski wears the skin of Greg so perfectly, you weep/cringe/hope with him, for him.

I’ve always said Neil LaBute writes everything with a bedrock of love, showing how messed up we make it, what we’ll do for it, how we destroy others in it’s name. Love stories always end with someone hurting, so, let’s be honest... he is the master of the love story. I used to say I wish he’d write a romance, all happy endings and joy.. now? I’m not so sure I want him to change. If it ain’t broke....

‘reasons to be pretty’, by Neil LaBute. Lyceum Theater, 149 45th. Running two hours and 15 minutes with an intermission (that I feel isn’t needed). Now through 6 September 2009. PS Check out the teeshirt--it rocks.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


pain meds and antibiotics are the bomb.

yes, i had a root canal, a big ass filling AND a major infection, and i could care less right now.


A Brief History

i'm home from new york, a week early.

thanks to not taking care of my medical needs before i left, i found myself with an increasingly annoying toothache, which spread to a jaw ache, which spread to my cheekbone and then to my sinus cavities and finally, my ear.

yeah. it sucks. the worst part was the flight home, which took two days and three plane trips. our flight out of chicago was delayed just enough to not let me catch my trip to home, so, united kindly put me up for the night. oddly, it's the third time this has happened.. and each time, my luggage makes it here 24 hours before i do. i guess the cargo hold is the place to ride if you want to arrive on time.

tomorrow, root canal!

new york was simply amazing... the weather bounced around like mad, k kept log of what she calls 'quinisms' she plans on posting here, and i was able to see my sweet nathan (my old roommate) along with cf and her brood, a show on the great white way, and my beloved c and r. both boys were elated to see me, and i was offered the job of keeping an eye on them this summer. since theater is out for me, it's something i was considering.

then, hrh and thehusband decided to move back to colorado. so is theinvestment... thus, i'll be heading back that way, too. thank god for zenmaster, who will preview apartments for me... allowing me to rent sight unseen. he knows my taste, and my budget, and will find the best deal.

the saturday before i left, on my way to brooklyn, i realised i was outside of 10 columbus circle, where my favourite playwright was going to hold a talk on his recent play, 'reasons to be pretty', which has picked up a number of nominations for 'best', including a tony nod for best play. it was a small crowd, and neil labute worked them like a pro. the man never fails to entertain me, amuse me and wish i could hear him speak for just a bit longer than the time he does give over. emdashes is going to print the review i did of his play, which rocks.

i am sorry i missed seeing 'mary stuart', however, i'm fairly sure nathan and i will attend when i go back in june for the six sentences book party.

it's good to be home, sad to leave k just before the shoot--i'm thrilled to have a root canal tomorrow, really, i am.. which proves how much pain i'm in. poor k! i moaned about it the last two days before i left.

i'll never ignore dental advice again! (she lied)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

So, Yes, I'm Alive

There is way too much to do here.

I walk every day... taking in the entire city, finding places I've never been. Being an UES gal now makes me think I should update my wardrobe, but, I doubt that'll happen.

I've discovered perfect bagels, a great Hungarian bakery, the best. deli. ever. (corned beef sandwiches to die for!), good Thai, long walks between the Avenues and shorter ones between the streets.

I've a new iTouch (thank you, Nathan!) that fills my time and my days with games and music. I've my never ending metro card that lets me go where ever I want; from Trader Joe's in Brooklyn to Staten Island to see my boys.

I've been offered a job in Staten Island for the summer, I've discovered when I return, we are all moving back to the place the kids knew as children, and I'm going to Qatar in November to see the stars.

I've written tons, watched even more, and can't find the time to write.

I know now crazy people in the UES are as crazy as they are in Hell's Kitchen; they are simply ignored by people who make more money. I've got a roommate/friend who knows the transportation system like the back of her hand, and I'm going to the Met tomorrow.. it's right up the street.

Oh, yes, life is good indeed.

Monday, May 4, 2009


I get my blog back and what do I do?

Nothing. Not a word written, I've not even opened it, ffs!!

So much going on, so many things I've seen... tonight, tonight I catch up.