Saturday, March 12, 2011

SS Quin

I am having a difficult time resigning myself to my life right now.

Yes, I am still in New York, a city I love and love being part of...yes, I found a place to live for the next couple of months--more than I expected to spend, but, with a budget, I can afford to live there....yes, I still have Sophie, and she is answering to her name again.

I feel adrift.

There is nothing to really hold me down in one place or another--don't get me wrong, I miss my children and the little ones very much, and I look forward to seeing them again.  It is a sense of not belonging anywhere, a sense of not feeling connected to any person, a sense of longing for something--and I don't know what that something is or could be or if it will show up.

I do not feel a failure--I do feel I've failed in some things in life.  I could have been a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better child...I wasn't.  There are times I feel I'm dancing as fast as I can, and there is no one to watch no one to care.  

I yearn for the knowledge someone holds me as beloved.  A knowledge that person doesn't exist, and I can do nothing to change that fact.

There are times I feel I could close my eyes and not wake up and be okay with that event.  No, I've no desire to make that happen--it is simply the understanding I feel adrift.

And there isn't a dock in sight.

3 comments:

JTS said...

"I could have been a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better child...I wasn't." I know this is true for me as well, and I wonder if it doesn't apply to most women, the feeling that we didn't do it good enough. There is always the knowledge we could have done better, but maybe we did the best we could at the time.

I would like to think there is someone special... a beloved other... for each person at the various stages of their life, and I'm hoping you find yours or that he finds you. We are able to function just fine on our own, but having another adds a sense of completeness. I believe you'll find what you're looking for! As I tell my daughter, "keep the door open" to possibilities!

pegjet said...

Aahh, Quin. I don't know what to say to this post.
You have friends. Tons of friends.
Your home is wherever you are. You make it that way, and you know it.
Don't let one dickhead make you lose sight of one of the best qualities about you--home is wherever you are. period.

(and I mean this for you--it's a quality you possess that the rest of us don't have. Sure we have other things, but,....go to your previous post about the woman in the subway who hadn't spoken to anyone in 20 years on that ride...)

vinny said...

I feel the same way quin.