I am having a difficult time resigning myself to my life right now.
Yes, I am still in New York, a city I love and love being part of...yes, I found a place to live for the next couple of months--more than I expected to spend, but, with a budget, I can afford to live there....yes, I still have Sophie, and she is answering to her name again.
I feel adrift.
There is nothing to really hold me down in one place or another--don't get me wrong, I miss my children and the little ones very much, and I look forward to seeing them again. It is a sense of not belonging anywhere, a sense of not feeling connected to any person, a sense of longing for something--and I don't know what that something is or could be or if it will show up.
I do not feel a failure--I do feel I've failed in some things in life. I could have been a better wife, a better mother, a better friend, a better child...I wasn't. There are times I feel I'm dancing as fast as I can, and there is no one to watch no one to care.
I yearn for the knowledge someone holds me as beloved. A knowledge that person doesn't exist, and I can do nothing to change that fact.
There are times I feel I could close my eyes and not wake up and be okay with that event. No, I've no desire to make that happen--it is simply the understanding I feel adrift.
And there isn't a dock in sight.