The last six weeks have been pretty horrific.
Suddenly, I found myself in a war of which I wanted no part. I am the first to say I am difficult at times, my various quirks and such can make me edgy or emotional. I do my best to control it all, take my meds, and believe I will work my way through those rough spots.
After almost three months of two jobs, a cold that developed into bronchitis and laryngitis and then full fledged pneumonia (no insurance. yay!), leaving me sick and weak and in tears at times, I finally, finally started feeling myself for the first time since I'd moved back to NYC. I had my friends, people I enjoyed, the upcoming visit to my family in Silverstone--all of that kept my days light, in spite of a fairly rough job. I wasn't always cheery after 16 hours of work and long commutes and being kept awake by my constant coughing, the pain in my chest.
Suddenly, there came accusations and unkind words and complete defamation of character--I was told I was untrustworthy, stupid, unemployable, a "...sitcom with no laugh track", an emotional fuckup. And, those where the nicer things said. This was presented to me by someone who revels in the fact they create their own chaos--I guess creating your own chaos negates you from having to accept responsibility for the lives you fuck up in that creation.
I've dealt with someone who isn't a nice person--not an asshole as they claim to be proud of being--an asshole is interesting, this person? Not so much. The vast daily consumption of hard alcohol contributes to the version of the world they live in, where they are never wrong, never have to make amends, never have to say "Sorry" when an accusation is proved unfounded and incorrect. It's not something I can continue with in my life, the narcissism, the conversations held that were monologues of their life--laughing admittance of how a certain 'friend' had been written about in a 'fictional piece''--in spite of direct quotes from that friend's blog--because they were a tease and a cunt. When confronted by the written about friend, the entire story bragged about as being based on the 'friend' was put down to 'coincidence', and the 'friend' was just paranoid. There were the many times of insisted upon sharing of details on visits to masseuse who offered more than a back-rub... and how they allowed a grope and squeeze for a bigger tip. Wait. What? How is this something you brag about? That you take advantage of women who, more than likely, are in debt to the person who brought them to this country. Whom, I am sure, don't exactly find their work a place that they are proud of in any way, shape or form. I cringed when details on a 'sexting' session were given out...even though this woman, too, was given the cunt label. Misogynist comments to say the least. I was told my 'energy' was stopping their 'mojo'--mojo? Huh??? I'm stopping you from dating? Good grief. I was suddenly in my own personal 'Gaslight' film. My wrong in all of this was not saying, "You need to be quiet, and not tell me any of that." I didn't. Decision made, consequence given. I accept my part in this.
I've had things said about me in print and in person that are so very, very incorrect....that are pure lies. I guess it comes to the throw enough mud, and with luck, some will stick. I don't understand this mindset, this behaviour.
Being in Silverstone with Loo and MB and EH and the delightful group of family ad friends there helped me a great deal in recovering my sense of self. Being surrounded by love and friendship and truthfulness gave me strength. Friends contacting me offering things that I worried about being able to provide--all of this has shored my self esteem. It allows me to regret how I dealt with some of my decisions, it allows me to know I'm not the low lying fucktard I was being told I was... I gained my perspective back. Conversations with a dear friend who is also a specialist in rehabs allowed me to face the sad fact I was, indeed, dealing with an alcoholic (self admitted one) and their not so clear version of the world. People who are abusive, find glee in creating problems, avoid every shitpile they create, and who are generally unhappy individuals with emotional gaps in their lives.
The last piece of my wall of love came from Amanda Barnes. She was interviewed and featured in Women Today. I read her interview with great pleasure--she is one of the most interesting people I know, and, like Loo--a sister of my heart.
When asked who she was inspired by in life, she said it was....
She said I was her personal cheer-leader and her description of me as loyal and honest and that everyone needs a me in their life... that I was someone who would push you to be all you could be, and have your back every step of the way.
Added to the comment by HRH that people like me put the 'humane' into 'humanity' and that she is proud of me... me! These women make me who I am... they are the reason I can shut the door on a friendship that bore not a single resemblance to the definition of friend, to accept my part in this and realise regardless of what I did, the outcome would not have changed because of the immovable object I am dealing with currently.
I always say that friends are family of your heart, and both heart and blood family keep you honest, keep you sane, keep you remembering you are worth love and friendship and that you can carry on.
I love you all forever.