Sunday, December 30, 2007

Notes From A Broad


I'm ill.

I arrived here to find a houseful of the walking wounded, Loo and MB and HB all snuffly and snotty and coughing with some form of a cold that was sweeping England with a force that put Beatlemania to shame.

To prevent myself from falling into it's clutches, I quickly grabbed a bottle of Vick's First Defense. This wonder drug has adverts that show a happy woman, shoving the little applicator up her nose and squirting this stuff, then inhaling easily, proving it's a safe, easy prevention to the colds that hide everywhere. I opened the bottle, inserted the little applicator, squirted it up my nose, and proceeded to do the dance. The one where you squish up your face and move around going "EWWWW!!! ARUUUUUUGH!!! AHHHHHH!!!!! NAAAAAAAAAAASTY!!! NAAAAASSSSSSSSSTY!!!" I'm sure if they showed her doing this, no one would buy this shit.

I kept up with the directions, however, inserting the little applicator, squeezing off the required amount, doing the dance, and looking smug (and like I'd sucked a huge lemon).

Two days ago, I felt that little nudge that says, "Sucker, you've got a cold."

So I do. I'm furious I did the dance four times a day, and have a cold *cough* anyway. I can't talk in the morning, I breathe heavily at night....Loo calls this breathing 'snores'..... and I am generally pathetic. I drink large amounts of hot lemon and honey in water, thanks to Loo, and I curse the Vick's bastards.
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You think you know someone, and you don't.

The B family hasn't seen Heroes yet, so, Loo purchased the box set of Season I for the girls. We've been watching it for the last three nights, with Loo leaving the room every time Syler comes on. What a wuss. I am not afraid of anything that silly... I save my fear for real things, like zombies. We've managed to make her sit down now, and stop dashing out every time he comes in the picture, which is more and more as the series progresses.

Now, she's obsessed with knowing who is going to die. She claims it..."helps her cope." Right.

I am the only person in the household who has seen the entire series, therefore, my knowledge is at a premium. I am also someone who hums and sings when I have a good hand in cards. When I start to hum or sing, they know something is going to happen.

I'm asked to leave the room on occasion.

Yesterday, Loo and I went to Sainsbury's... I have a thing about supermarkets in the UK. Some people visit churches, some go to museums, I go to supermarkets. We had done our shopping, picking up nibbly bits for dinner... and had loaded up the car in our prime parking space. It was that space reserved for two women who are at the point of wanting to kill someone who DOESN'T MOVE THEIR FUCKING CAR NOW!! Loo calls it the PMT space. (translation, the PMS space). She'd unlocked her side of the car, continuing with the questions to me, whinging on, "Just tell me."

I continued to refuse, trying to explain that it would ruin not only this series, but, the next one...she suddenly smiled serenely, and got in the driver's seat... and left me.

She drove slowly at first, leaving me to think she was going to do one of those cute things where she'd stop and I'd go to open the door and she'd drive a bit more.. you know the thing I mean.

No, she drove off totally and left me.

Standing there in the cold, in the Sainsbury's carpark, with no English money, no idea of what the phone number is at the Very House, no way of anyone there to get me anyway... I couldn't call a cab because I don't know our address... then, there was that money thing.

They won't take American money...besides, she had my purse.

I figured eventually, she'd come back... so, I wandered over to the smoker's section outside, hovering over the little heaters they leave. I didn't want to go back inside, as I'd want to buy something again.

And she had my purse, with my little bank card.

I stood there for a bit, scanning for a gray car. Do you have any idea how many gray cars there are in the UK?

A bunch.

A woman came over and asked if I needed help... I was sniffling by then from the cold and my cold. I was also saying my new favourite curse over and over. I'm sure I looked quite mad.

I explained what had happened, and she said, "Oh, right! Heroes! You know, my son gave that to us for Christmas." she paused. "So, tell me... who does die?"

I stared at her. "I'm not telling you either."

She left me to freeze.

Eventually the cow came back and picked me up. There was a bit of help needed to bend my knees to fit me back in the seat, but, I did warm up... then I sneezed on her dashboard.

Ha!

P.S. When telling of my abuse to the Jarhead on the phone, he laughed very hard, and told Loo, "So, you left Mom? Good job!"

I may have to send him the birth tape again to remind him what I went through.

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I have a new curse phrase.

I've used FMD for 20 years or so, it's been there for me, letting me yell or whisper, covering everything from shock to dismay to anger to surprise.

I have a new one.

Buggeryfuck.

Isn't it wonderful?

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I love English signs, they try and provide for every possible thing they can imagine that might need covering.





I've seen:
Hedgehog Crossing
Badger Crossing
Pelican Crossing (although I've yet to see one)
Elderly People


You get the idea.

We are driving south once again for a big family dinner--I thank god we only eat once a day--and there, as we came upon a roundabout, in the middle of nowhere...not a house, a building, a business, a farm...nothing... was this huge highway sign:

DISABLED PEOPLE

Eh?

I concluded it referred to those in the roundabout, because I maintain you have to be mad to drive in one of those.

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What are they like?

While at dinner, a group at a table near us exchanged gifts.... including something I saw, then fell into *GASP* mode.. gollywogs, they are called, or so I was told.

Black dolls, on leashes, attached to a doghouse.

The children who received them were tickled pink, and proceeded to play away, while I sat in total shock, saying "That's so wrong. It's wrong.... not just the doll, but, the leashes and the doghouse... it's wrong."

Loo expressed her shock, too....and out of respect to her family, who didn't see it, I behaved, not jumping in as I normally would have.

I did say to the man, "Those are wrong, completely."

He said to me, "We laugh at everything here, even tragedy, it's how we've survived. Besides, we didn't have slavery here in Britain, did we? That's a States issue."

I said, "Can you say Bristol?"

Best we left at that point, I reckon. I understand the ability to laugh at everything, I do think that is what gets the English, the Irish, the Scots through all that happens... they can see the wrong, yet still laugh at what is there. They (like me) laugh at funerals.

However, I'm still stunned, to be honest.
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It's a shame we don't get UK films in the US.

I saw a wonderful little film last night on DVD, called The History Boys. It was never released in the US, I imagine because none of the actors are known, and it's all based on the UK school system... still, it was easy to fall into, easy to become involved in, and based on a true story.

It was a play, made into a film, and it currently back on stage.

I'd love to see it in the theater... it's sold out, sadly.

If you have a DVD player that can pick up UK films, watch this one.
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Moving Day approaches.

We are taking a day off, letting me cough and moan and drink my lemon and honey water... the girls are off with their dad, and we may go see a film. Far better than packing, in my walking wounded mind.

Far, far better.

Packing, buggery fuck!

13 comments:

golfwidow said...

People who ask you to leave the room when you hum or sing, because you're giving something away, should not be permitted to drive off with your purse when you don't give something away.

Quin said...

gw~it's the girls who glare. loo is usually in the hallway, hiding from sylar. (actually posted at 6.18 gmt)

Prince Gomolvilas said...

Ah, The History Boys was indeed released in the US (by Fox Searchlight, no less), but I believe it was in theaters for like three seconds.... After all, I IS the uplifting story of how hot male students diddle their big teacher's nuts and berries. That kind of thing just don't fly in the States.

Quin said...

pg~do you always give away plots? i bet you tell people that rosebud was the sled.

BobClay said...

Rosebud was the sled !!!!



SHIT !!

(throws away 7000 pages of my thesis).

austere said...

I do hope you're feeling better.

A spoonful of Vicks vaporub, dunked into hot water, and inhaled till it reaches the inner lining of the lungs,even as the breather gasps and flounders for air under an all encompassing blanket, can be pure torture as well. But it works, sort of.

Isn't that remedy supposed to be lemon, honey and hot brandy?

Writeprocrastinator said...

A) Get better.

B) What, she had to leave you there? Why couldn't she go look it up on the Internet like everyone else?

C) Leave her at a grocery story in Maspeth for a minute, she'll never pull a stunt like that again.

D) You said "buggery fuck," heh-heh-heh.

E) "Golliwogs," still??? Check the year, Britain, check the year. There is a "two" and a "zero" in front of it, not a "one" and an "eight."

F) Happy New Year!

Quin said...

bob~oops!

austere~i'll take a raincheque on the vicks, but, i'll go with the brandy.

wp~why google when you can annoy your friend who is suffering in semi-silence (this is a key phrase)? besides, i left her on the way to vegas... turn about is fair play. ..and i couldn't find maspeth. it means taking on the evil roundabout. i did ask the guy where he got the 'golli' and he said ireland. go figure.

i love the word buggeryfuck! say it out loud, it rolls off the tongue.

happy new year to all!!

Eric said...

Sorry you're ill, but I'll use MY Favorite Brit phrase for ya:
Happy New Year, ya pikey chav!

constant_drama said...

Seriously, the first part of your post about the Vicks thing was brilliant. I couldn't stop laughing.

*****

Unlike the 98% of the World population, I am of the 2% who does not watch HEROES. To say that I do not watch completely is a lie its just that I dont keep up with it.

Plus I have loads of ppl telling me the story without me needing to watch it. And oh. I found Sylar to be pretty hot.

*****

"FMD" is a curse phase? Seriously? Duuddeee....I didnt know that.

*****

Whenever I'm abroad I lurrve taking pictures of road signs coz it shows the different country that I am in. When I was in China there was a sign that said "No blowing up cars here."

I kid you not.

*****

Bet black people are not crazy bout them Gallywags.

*****

My DVD player can play movies of all regions. That's one of the Charms of living in a Asian country. We get movies from everywhere that we are fully equipped to handle it.

History Boys is good huh? I saw the VCD being sold in record stores but never bothered to pick it up coz none of the boys on the cover appear to me to be asthethicly pleasing.

I'm shallow like that.

*****

Hey I still havent unpacked from Chicago...and now I'm back from China my luggage is still on my bedroom floor. So that's double unpacking.

What a bitch.

*****

Thanks for doing my tag!! Appreciate it!

Peter Varvel said...

I'M going to start saying buggeryfuck! It's such a perfect hybrid of two cultures' curses!

A cold is being passed around in LA-la land, here, too.

Sorry, but when I was reading about the applicator and the ensuing dance--and laughing my ass off--I kept picturing you using it as a suppository, instead.

Don't put THAT on any mucus membranes!

Quin said...

eric~back at cha, mate!

cd~fmd...fuck me dead! now, go unpack

peter~can you imagine THAT dance?

Actress Andrea said...

First of all, I've been under a rock for the past month (sorry!) - You're in the UK!?! Are you still there? I mean, seriously, I've been speaking in a British accent (okay, mostly it's my inner monologue, but still!) for well over two months and I have this yearning desire to visit England!!! Oh I love it! (btw, I'm totally using Buggeryfuck!)

Secondly, "The History Boys" was a play in England, that moved to the US (it won a Tony the same year 'Jersey Boys' won - critics made a big deal of two shows with "boys" in the title winning...silly.) And then they made the movie. Harry Potter nerds (like myself) know that both Richard Griffths (Vernon Dursley) and Frances De la Tour (Madam Maxime from GoF) were both in the play (and I believe in the movie.)

Love it!