Thursday, May 21, 2009

Saying Goodbye

woven in and around and before and after the weather guy was my oddship.

we met three years ago, i took one look and i knew this guy in the really shitty green coat was where i wanted to be, right next to him, listening and talking and inhaling his scent.. watching his hands with the nails bitten down flash in the air as he spoke in this voice that had undercurrents of laughter and a sense of a joke he held that no one knew but him. he has a wicked bad smile that won me as much as his eyes that are the same colour as mine. i walked into a room, and saw him and he saw me and something clicked. i was a romantic who never believed in romance.. and here, i saw hope.

we wrote and spoke and met a few times, the meetings difficult due to location, location, location...regardless, our connection didn't falter. i knew others that knew him, but, kept my association with him quiet, to myself... sharing with a few the basic details, never going on about how his name in my mailbox made me dance with joy at times. never discussing how seeing him caused my heart to pound and even his occasional glares were important. he is as inept as i am in social situations, and, except for the investment.. no one has ever made me laugh as hard as he has.

after a year, i offered up how i felt.. and, the response wasn't what i thought would happen... so, i shut down, closed up, and moved into being a friend, something he needs.

i took up the offer of something with the weather guy, thinking this would soothe my heart, my feelings, give me a new focus... and it did. i simply refused to kiss him, only my oddship had that from me... fleeting, perhaps, but, it was his. i slept with a man i never kissed, and kissed a man i never slept with.. odd, eh?

the conversations between us never stopped... i censored things to him, kept his needs forefront.. was a good friend. in turn, he listened to my rants, gave me excellent advice, and always gave me peace of mind when i worried.

yes, there are times i've been angry with him over real or imagined slights, over miscommunication, over perceived pain. he was equally open in the good and the bad.. some of his words will stay with me forever, in their depth of understanding and beauty of language.

tonight, i wrote to say i have to walk away.... my vision of what is causes me pain, his dancing around causes pain, and, no matter how much i love him.. and i do... i can't do this anymore.

i'd love to think he'll miss me, want me back, realise how important i am... i know it won't happen. i damaged ego, and his is delicate. i do know, however, i have to protect myself, and, i deserve to be seen in light and trust and joy...not being guilty until i can prove myself innocent.

i will not open the email address that is his and his alone for a long time...

6 comments:

Solomon said...

You have such strength. I'm kind of in awe.

inflammatory writ said...

Ah, love. So beautiful and so horribly painful. You deserve better.

harrietv said...

That is so sad. Maybe we knew it was coming, but... He'll never know what he lost, because he never truly accepted all you had to offer.

Are they ever worth the trouble they cause us?

coastrat said...

I am so sorry, Quin, to learn of your pain. It is good to see, though, that you are taking steps to ease that pain and move towards a happier future.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Loobell said...

This has been a love story in the true sense of the word.... The oddship is crazy batshit mad to allow this to happen.. and you my friend, have to look after your heart. Much love and huge hugs from your UK family,
XX

quin browne said...

sol~i'm not strong, trust me.

writ~we aren't all as lucky as you and loo... if only it were true.

sortamom~i don't know, are they?

coastrat~bless your dear heart

loo~i hate lovestories...