violence unsilenced

i've been told i'm not upbeat, and positive, and chipper.

i think i do a pretty good job of being open to the universe and in the good it has to offer.

it's been a long hard struggle to get to that place... and, today, thanks to an amazing woman who has put forth a safe havenplace for survivors to give their stories; in that place, i've finally openly admitted to a number of things.

if you go to read, please, don't just read me.. come back see the tales of other women and men, who have survived.

we move forward with more positive feelings than most, even if we hide who we are... positive because we open that pandora's box called hope every day, and trust it will be good.

my friends will tell you; i don't mince words, i say what i feel... there is no gray with me. i won't say behind your back what i won't say to your face. this is the best and the worst trait i own.

i'm a hopeful pessimist, i guess... expecting the worst, believing it will work out.

it's an okay thing to be....

there really is nothing to say.

one day flows into another, seamless in their passing... some action now, people arriving, plans moving slowly into place. tomorrow the truck is rented, tuesday it is filled... the current plan is to drive all night, as hrh and the soninlaw are night people.

it should be interesting, to say the least.

countdown

i am stil in utah.

still.

chait (the daughter and soninlaw) should arrive tomorrow night.. we have three days to pack the rest of their things, and then unload my storage to a truck and head out.

i'm still not sure of where i'm living, as the amazing art deco was rented from under me (blargh!) and the loft hasn't finished my paperwork. oddly enough, i found a wonderful place that will be ready to be rented next april... i've already worked with the landlord on that, and it's just down the street from the loft in lodo.


mostly, i read and watch films and eat frozen milky way bars. the last occupation isn't such a great idea.

sophie has settled in here.. i often think of my friend, e.k., and her cats... i understand the term 'little angels' now.. except when sophie has cleaned herself, and expects to clean me. or, when she plants her six pounds on my forearms, preventing me from typing.

creative work moves forward, with ventures into short stories and the work on the play. i've already found a small job in denver--second string acting and being the production manager for an indie film. so, i'll arrive, unpack, and go to work for a month. good fun.

i still do not talk to my mother... i'm still good with that decision.

wishing those who read my little bit of my world on here good health..

the news

i've sat on some wonderful news, awaiting the okay to discuss it here.

no, it's not about an apartment or moving or my non-existent love life (which will stay that way if i don't stop eating my current daily food addiction of lil' smokies and stokes chili with cheese) or about sophie.

two years ago this summer, two large events happened in my life...my eldest gave birth to zori, giving us the first member of the next generation. i always tell my daughter that zori looks just like me, but, we don't share any dna...so, it's in my imagination. secondly, hrh married the soninlaw, who entered our family with his love for her and two children. in six weeks time, i went from being myself to being a nonnie.

i think the kids got more of an auntie mame, but, you get the idea.

my mother's day present this year was hrh announcing she's going to have a baby in january. she was worried, not wanting to tell anyone, because i had a history of miscarriages, and she wanted to be sure. as she put it today, "the baby is sticking", thus, i now refer to said child as 'elmer'... as in glue.

in january, i'll have another grandchild... one i don't view any differently than the others just because we do share dna. it is odd to think my baby girl is going to have a child... and, unlike miss h, i'll be there the entire time. i believe i'm banned from the delivery room, but, i'm good with that. i've no desire to see parts i've not seen since she was 5.

she pats her tummy, which is still as flat as a board, and talks about the changes in her body. how she's tired, she is getting cravings, she's tired. i tell her the second trimester is the best, and we agreed between all of us that she'll do thanksgiving (her favourite holiday) and miss h will do christmas, since hrh will be pretty far along and into sitting and moaning. or at least, that's what i did in my last month.

no water skiing for her this year, which has dampened her thrill for the boat her dad owns and her time on the water...but, she's willing to make the trade. i look at her, and catch her with that turned inward look you get when you are pregnant... the wonder of it all.

this child will be as spoiled as the rest, from her dad, her siblings-- me. i've turned into that woman who shows up with gifts and sugar and kisses--then i leave. i like doing that, it's great fun.

my little girl is no more. although i find great joy in her condition, in the fact her marriage brought two beautiful children into my life, who love me as i love them... although i find happiness in her happiness in her life.... although all of these things are marvelous and wonderful and joyous...

....it makes me cry for a few reasons--the most being, she's a mom now, not my baby.


and, i'll miss that.

the loooooooove sac

no, this isn't about sex.

sorry.

i'm currently dwelling at hrh's home, keeping an eye on things, saving on rent, waiting to be moved to denver. my things are in storage, most of hers are in the new house, and what is left--the occasional odd boxes and such, are here with me.

they took all of the beds, leaving me with two choices; a futon and a love sac. having reclined on said sac to watch tv, i chose it over the two. i'll be honest, i started on the futon, and after two hours of trying to sleep on a board, i moved.

the love sack is dipped in the middle, it's meant to allow you to lean back into it while you read or watch tv. it is not meant to be slept in unless you are under the age of 8, or a tiny adult who curls up while sleeping into a little ball.

i am neither.

i am a 5'7" woman who sleeps with two cats. i find myself waking up in odd positions my body has taken in the night to adjust to the dips and rises of the stuffing. i spend a good 10 minutes stretching and moaning about my back.

it is the worst bed i've ever slept on, and i'm the woman who slept on an inflatable bed in new york city for almost two years.

moral? if someone invites you to spend the night, and they utter the phrase, "i don't have an extra bed, but, i have a love sack!", leave immediately and find a hotel. even the bates hotel will be a better idea.

just remember not to take a shower there.

status quo

waiting.

still.

self promotion

thirty six little sentences

just right

my life here in utah is almost over.

my apartment is now in a truck, which will become storage until it goes into a pod which travels over to denver, where it'll go into a new place.

hrh and her family, along with theinvestment are packed, and leaving in the morning. we had out good-byes tonight, among the final boxes on the floor, the dryer finishing up my towels and the cats slinking along the walls, seeking out furniture on which to take their frustration over being locked in a closet all day.

i'm here for a few more days...tonight, over at sisterwife's house, sleeping on 'my' sofa. sophie and kitty are alone in the house, still slightly irritated. tomorrow, i move into hrh's home until i either go to denver early and drive back with the soninlaw, or, wait for the soninlaw to come this way, going back with him. i suspect it will depend on if he has to bring more possessions back with him.

one apartment fell through when the landlord rented it after promising it to me.. so long beautiful place on marion!! another opened up, in lodo, larger than the first one, not as comfy looking as the second.. perhaps it's just right.

just right has become my mantra... the apartment will be just right, the drive over will be just right (although i've never traveled with two cats before), my life in denver will be just right. not too stressful, not too intense, not too edgy.

i'm not sure how i'll like 'just right'.

i reckon i'll find out.

is an apartment in hand worth one on marion?

as soon as i had an apartment in place... not my first choice, but, a decent place... the apartment i've been drooling over came back on the market.

$800 a month for 1040 sq feet of art deco wonder. hard wood floors, a great denver location, a courtyard, built in storage in the dining room (yes, it has a dining room), a sun room and an 11x15 master with two closets.

sure, i'll lose covered parking...and it's $140 more a month than the first one... but, it's almost twice the size, and did i mention art deco? and a fireplace that works??

i'm waiting to hear from the owners... fingers crossed.

waiting

the daughter and i are both involved in our homes, packing and such.

i drop by as often as i can... she won't take help, this youngest child of mine...but, i think she enjoys the company, or at least she says she does.

she packs and packs and takes care of her two (step) children, and waits for her husband to come back from denver.

i putz around and semi pack, and wait for no one.

both of us are involved in the process, one waiting with sad place in her heart while her love is away, the other...


....waiting for god knows what.

moving is my life

the moving process continues.

with the ink on my contract not solid, and my moving date moved forward due to the early arrival of my one man crew, i may find myself living in the back of the truck in the parking lot. so far, the best bet seems to be leaving norma here, flying back a week later, and driving her over then. the trailer to tow her is $275, and it will decrease the gas mileage and time spent in a moving truck. flying can be done for less than $100, with my gas costs another $50... so...

there is also hrh to consider, getting her packed into a truck and our convoy will head over the mountains. i wish i had the money that is gone thanks to the bad check, and i'd just hire a darn moving company.

i am tired of packing, tired of moves, tired of grey. there is one thing, though...


....eventually, it's all over.

the tony's

i'm watching the tony awards... slightly delayed from the east coast.

i have a number of people on my twitter thing that are either there or on the east coast, and they are announcing who has won before i even get to that category.

i now understand the danger of twitter. although it's great we can spread news (and non news) immediately, you lose some of that good ol' fashioned excitement waiting to find out.

with that said, i'm shutting down my laptop, so i won't be tempted to get my answers early, allowing me to watch sci fi channel and ignore the 'life' action. i'm rooting for my favourite play, 'reasons to be pretty' to win... if talent coupled with candles lit to the proper saints, it will.

with that said, susan sarandon needs her boobs lifted...but, then, so do i.

new apartment

i have an apartment.

the flat in new york, sadly, didn't come to fruition. i do have a standing offer to stay there when i visit, which is swell...but, he wasn't quite ready to retire to the shore. so, denver it is!

i ended up with two front runners... one was on the top floor, had hardwood flooring, and a great kitchen along with a washer and dryer in the unit. the second is ground floor, overlooking the courtyard (this is an historic landmark building), carpet (ew!) and only a laundry room. the first had open parking, the second--protected parking. the first has larger windows in the bedroom... the second has 11 foot ceilings.

what decided me was two separate factors... one, the covered parking. second.. the one i chose has an extra closet.

i'll notify everyone on my list of the new address (effective 22 june) as soon as i have the call today.

i was going to get a two bedroom, however, i couldn't justify the extra $130 a month just so sophie could have her own place.

but, trust me, i thought about it.

people who walk from debts

i work hard to stay on top of my debts.

some have taken me time to pay off, but, i work at them on a steady basis. there was a time when i had a chunk of change from a house sale, and a friend was in dire straits....her father had defaulted on her student loans by signing her name to them, and keeping the money. i loaned her a significant amount of cash to pay off the debt.

this allowed her to move forward in her life, getting an apartment, buying a car, buying all she decided she wanted to have.. and not paying me a dime.

finally, she admitted to the debt and started paying something every month... not a huge amount, but, i appreciated her working on it, and dropped my plans to hire a collection agency.

she recently sent me a fairly good sized check, saying this was her pay off.. i advised her it was less than she owed, but, took the check, noting it was not full payment of the debt owed.

i told her i had deposited the check, and was using the funds to pay medical bills, pay a deposit on the new place, and give the zenmaster money i owed him... he'd stepped in and fixed up my house a year ago, bless his socks.

today, i went to pick up some things to use for packing the house, and my check card wouldn't go through. it was after five, so, i checked my account on my bberry.

she'd stopped payment on the check, and didn't tell me. knowing i had used it, knowing it was necessary to my move, she stopped payment and didn't tell me.

i'm stunned.

i have enough in my savings to cover the huge hole in my account, and the short check charges...but, that leaves me with a 0 balance, and as of the 20th, no place to live. i've given up this apartment, and the deposit check bounced.

good fun.

i'm sure things will come together... i believe karma repays what you do... the hard part will be going after her for the money. she's in chicago, i'm in, well...god knows where i'll be... still, it more than likely means going to chicago. i plan on asking for all travel expenses, etc, should we go to court. i've all the emails with her agreeing to pay, how much she'd pay, etc.

eventually, i'll get my cash, it's the bother i have to go through to get to that point. what is amusing is she holds herself out on her blog as this righteous, trustworthy, moral person.... and, with the trouble i've had even getting her to start paying me, and now this... well.

yes, i know, lessons learned and all that stuff.

i'm venting.

blargh.

my father 1927-2005

my dad would have been 82 today.

i vacillate between a continuing sorrow over his death and a sigh of relief about the same event. i know he wasn't happy the way he was... he knew he was suffering from alzheimers, he'd not reached the point where he didn't have the realisation, he lived with it daily... railing against his continued health problems--his macular degeneration, that didn't allow him to see his beloved books or choose his music by name...having to rely on the grab and play method... the need to call myself or the kids to come fix his remote control or find his cd player or plug in a lamp. his hearing had faded and he suddenly had to use a cane, when only a few years before, he'd walked up and down the mountains of southern utah without stopping to catch his breath.

he shaved his beard, i'm not sure why... that action added to the age of his face. his eyes, that used to sparkle on a regular basis, only caught that light when we went out to eat, or, when he saw hrh... he adored her.

he was proud of jarhead, shushing my concerns about him joining the marines, telling me to suck it up, i was the daughter and the mother of a marine. the investment made him laugh...and he would say, "he'll be like you, and come into his own later in life. don't worry." he regretted his outbursts of anger set off by life, and his lack of control over that anger--control taken away by that shitty, shitty disease.

he loved me.

i loved him.

we didn't always have a good relationship, he was a harsh father. we learned to be friends, then, chose each other for family... the best of both worlds.

he was proud of the brother and thought my sister in law was gods gift to the world. she, in turn, with her laughter and kind ways, always enjoyed his time with them, and loved him for him.

in a way, i'm glad to leave my little utah town because there are so many one on one memories that remind me of him. restaurants, shopping...even wal mart, a place he loved to shop. we'd push the cart, i'd grab, he'd talk, and he always called me on the 1st of each month, when his retirement check hit, and say, "hey, we have new money!!" i can't even go to the dump without thinking of him, and how we'd laugh on our way to remove boxes from the house when we first moved here. "well, what fun, lets go to the dump!!" every morning, i'd open the little town newspaper, and he'd say, "well, who are we at war with?". he'd just said that phrase, on 11 september 2001...when i turned on the tv and we saw the second plane hit. he never said it again.

my father always promised me that we would go to tuscany. we talked about the trip, planned it, drooled over it... and one day, i'll go, and spread the last of his ashes that i keep here at home.

i'll cry, as i am now... and miss his hand on my shoulder, his encouraging voice in my ear, his dear face in my vision. when i wrote his obituary, i did it to honour him... not the man he was when i was a child.. but, the friend i'd lost. it's not a traditional one...but, it fit him. it bespoke his time in korea, his love of so many things, his abilities to accomplish many things in his life.

the last trip he took, he and my mother drove an rv for weeks and thousands of miles.. and from that came the photo the brother and hrh and i all cherish... dad, at a campground with the brother and his wife, in a tshirt and shorts, full beard, reading elmore leonard, and flashing a smile and the peace sign. it bespeaks the essence of the man he'd become. although my mother and i don't really get along, i am forever grateful she took that trip with him... giving him one last long enjoyable time before he was slapped down, before we knew, when there were questions and no answers. she took care of him, and pampered him and drove him crazy. but, she drove that rv like a champ, and he always spoke of the trip with fondness.

i have never been able to listen to the song below, and not think of my dad. he loved judy collins and, when we were on car trips, he'd ask me to sing it in my alto, so different from the larkvoice of judy...it was something i always did, the words causing me to cry at the end. he'd thank me, and then, we'd sing together all the songs we knew, crossing our fingers my tone deaf mother wouldn't join in...




in his honour, i'll ask all of you to do what i suggested in his obituary... take some time, your favourite spot, your favourite book, and read. if someone should come up and disturb you, say what he would have said (in fact, he proudly wore the tshirt that had this very saying on it)

"shut the hell up, i'm reading."


happy birthday, daddy.

i had a dream

i am catching up on the canceled series, "pushing daisies".

if you've never seen it... i, for what my opinion is worth, recommend it highly. quirky, droll, well written...it failed to find the audience abc had hoped for, i reckon.

in the beginning of episode 11, the narrator states something that hit home...

"young olive dreamed of a life where she was actively loved and only occasionally ignored."


olive shares my dream.