Friday, May 30, 2008

The Sinking of The Titanic


It was a cold and bitter night, when the Titanic's side was ripped open, changing history.

I'd just taken her out of the box, and using the nifty electric pump, inflated both the upper and lower mattresses, put on the featherbed, my 800 count cotton sheets, the feather comforter, the embroidered quilt... all after a long journey to New York and my new apartment from Utah via New Orleans.

I was ready to put my tired bones into bed.

Pushing her into place, I didn't notice when she snagged on the spar of wood sticking out of the nook, didn't notice when it pulled on the heavy plastic, didn't notice until the WOOSH of air alerted me to a problem of massive proportions...

Klaxon horns went off... we had sinkage! I hummed 'Nearer My God, To Thee' as my new bed slowly deflated, a three inch (real measurements, not a man's version of three inches) gash in her side.

I was prepared, however.... I had duct tape.

This worked for a few months, with regular applications of fresh duct tape until, by good fortune, CF gave me an old repair kit, and I was able to glue and patch up the tear, reinforced with duct tape, thus giving The Titanic a firm surface once again.

No longer was I reduced to a routine of going to the bathroom, stumbling back, re-inflating the bed, going to sleep and repeating the process during the night.

Fortunately, I have a small bladder, which meant I had a good sleeping surface for the bulk of my resting time.

One night, I noticed a deflation sensation. What could this be? The major rip was holding up under it's 14 layers of duct tape.

Searching over the surface of the mattress, I discovered the culprit--two minute leaks in the seams of the top of the mattress...

Bastards.

Ah, but, I was prepared, wasn't I? I still had some magic repair glue and a full sized patch... this was no huge issue, I knew what to do.

Plus, I had a full roll of duct tape.

I marked where the holes were, and then quickly deflated the bed via the high tech air remover vent thingy. Smushing the last of the air out, I laid out my repair kit.... glue, patch, scissors, reading glasses, duct tape.... piece o'cake.

Note to self: when putting away tube of glue, remember to put a cap on said tube of glue to prevent glue from drying out.

I went with straight duct tape.

This worked for a good 45 minutes at a time, keeping the bed at full air volume. Again, thanks to my small bladder and the fact I convinced my body I was sinking into a nice full bed of feathers, I was able to sleep on The Titanic for a few months, with a minimum amount of fuss.

Finally, this past weekend, I'd had it... my friends and family were tired of hearing me say, "Hold on, I have to blow up the bed." when talking to them... it is my main place to sit. I was tired of watching films, and having myself slowly sink downwards, causing me to have to stop the film, fill the bed, and go again.

More than once, this occurred during a crucial plot point.

I deflated The Titanic, and again laid out my tools to repair the damage...

Scissors, duct tape, Elmer's GLUES EVERYTHING, the patch, reading glasses

1. Examine old markings.
2. Remove cap from glue tube. Note it has a solid thing covering glue.
3. Look for something to puncture solid thing.
4. Use scissors to poke hole.
5. Get phone call.
6. Go outside to take call, talk for 30 minutes.
7. Come inside to find glue now has a plug in it. Curse.
8. Use scissors to dig out plug, poking a hole in the side of tube in process.
9. Use duct tape to block hole.
10. Curse.
11. Smear glue on small hole on bed.
12. Pick up scissors to cut patch
13. Realise scissors are firmly glued together.
14. Curse loudly.
15. Pick glue off scissors.
16. Notice glue has hardened on hole on bed.
17. Throw scissors.
18. Get up to get scissors, realise leg has gone to sleep from sitting on it in cross-legged position
19. Do the wobble legged walk dragging dead foot to find scissors.
20. Lose glasses, curse a bunch.
21. Get everything together again.
22. Plug in glue again.
23. Get plug out, repair new hole in tube.
24-26. Curse manufacturer of bed, of glue, of scissors, their mothers and the unknown men who fathered them.
27. Pick old glue off flocked bed top.
28. New layer of glue.
29. Patch in place.
30. Duct Tape


I placed heavy books on top, then left for hours. Returning home, I removed the books, tested the patches, and all looked good.

I re-inflated the bed... no hissing. I cried a little with joy at this point.

I fluffed up the featherbed, snapped on clean sheets, the feather duvet... the light quilt, my pillows in crisp cases, I snuggled down and went to sleep.

Around 3AM, I woke up, sunk in the middle of the bed, most of the air gone.

I could buy a new one....but, I leave on the 25th of June, so, why bother? I'll just drink lots of water every night before I go to bed..up, bathroom, fill the bed, sleep.


It's worked beautifully thus far.

8 comments:

Peter Varvel said...

LMAO @ this entire post, especially "not a man's version of three inches," tee hee!

You're making me think of one of Kathy Najimy's lines in 'Sister Act,' something about how anything in life can be fixed with a little creativity and a lot of tape.

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

I briefly acquired one during a drunken night after my date for the night puked on it, and my friend made me take it. I was never a fan as I bounced around too much, but it is far better than the ground.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Ahahahahaaha, I do however admire your dtermination. Oh well it makes a good story...though I rather sleep on the floor if its that bad.

Or on my yoga mat.

coastrat said...

I have a roll of special repair tape that I want to send you, from the company my youngest son works for, which works wonders on leaks. To read about it, here is the web address: http://www.duluthtrading.com/store/department/tools_shop/tools_shop2/quickfixes/96825.aspx?feature=Product_14

I have used it down here on pressurized water leaks, and it really does the job. Maybe worth a try...? If you would email me a P.O. Box or mailing address, I'll send it to you to try. You've got my email add.

Your post is hilarious!

Michael Manning said...

That IS determination!

austere said...

I'm trying to get my breath back after laughing so hard.

Quin, you rock!

Writeprocrastinator said...

I've been there, but I didn't have your resolve and wound up sleeping on the carpet. Good gravy, you would think that at least you would get a parting kiss from Leonardo DiCaprio.

Quin Browne said...

the heck with the kiss, i'd go pawn the diamond and buy a real bed (which awaits me in utah)