The older you get, the more things sting.
I've had a difficult time recently, as the few whom I've shared this with, know. It was not so much the actual event, it was the embers it stirred up, the once buried pain that suddenly is forefront...not so much because of that event, but.... because it reminded me of a sad place from long ago, a place I once worried I'd never recover from.
When you are young, much of what happens to you is new... so, the pain is sharp. As you grow older, things will happen that remove a scar, a place you thought healed.... and that new flesh is so tender, so exposed.. it hurts more than the first time. Let this happen more than once, and you start to protect the scarred area.
I found myself in a lonely place.... being pushed again to remember where I rank at times. Wondering why, no matter with who, I've never been first. Ever. That the code I live by isn't the code of others. A simple code of honesty, loyalty, love...working to put those whom I care for as vitally important. Not finding that returned.
What do you do? You keep opening that Trojan horse called hope... One day, it'll be all I want inside... I have to believe that. Until then, I am blessed with people who care and keep me in prayers, and who answer my emails and call me at 3am. Who keep me remembering I am important to those who really do care, whom I care about. One day, the Trojan horse will be opened, and my way of being will be returned.
I can wait.