It's a drag.
Between now and the end of the month, I have to come up with a gazillion dollars.
I've a wedding to help pay for, a dress for said wedding.. and not just any dress, but, the Mother of The Bride dress, a plane ticket for both myself and the terrier, spending money while I'm in the land of Utes, spending money for my side trip to L.A. to visit my brother, D and his lovely wife, my bills, shoes to go with the Mother of The Bride dress, oh, yes, and food.
Now, if I forgo the last item, that will put me into a smaller dress. It will also make a nice show when I weave down the aisle faint from hunger since I'll have consumed what body fat is left in my ass.
I am not the gazelle like creature I wish I was. My daughter, HRH, the soon to be bride, is swanlike, with perfect proportions, having taken the time upon her conception to pick and choose the strands of DNA that she wanted. No, I am no gazelle. I am more on the musk ox build, short waisted and difficult to fit when it comes to dresses....especially those dresses. You know, the Mother of The Bride dresses.
It's a 6P wedding, so, not afternoon, not really evening. I can go short or long on the length of the dress.
It's finding the dress that's killing me.
They all seem to be made of polyester, in pastel shades of pink or lavender or blue or some particular green that makes me heave. They have little jackets with sparkly things on them, short sleeves that make my white arms look a bit like a mutated thin veal sausage. I don't like polyester. I firmly believe that polyester causes cancer (oh, wait... I have that) and rickets. The poor underpaid migrant workers who pick polyester out in the hidden fields in the wilds of South Dakota are riddled with diseases caused by touching the untreated polyester plants. You find colours not found in nature rampant in polyester materials. All of them hanging in Macy's, with a woman who coos at me, saying, "You'll look stunning in this!"
No, I won't.
No, I don't.
I tried Century 21. I'm still laughing over their selection. First of all, I'd have to walk to Utah after paying for it, and secondly, well.... I'd kind of like it to look like a real dress, know what I mean?
The upside is, it's July, so, all the winter fashions are in the stores, and the summer frocks are going on half off...I may find a bargain somewhere.
Now, if I can only find something that's cotton or silk, not in an odd shade, and that doesn't make me look like a musk ox in drag.