Life's Lessons This Week

1. Remember where you left your vintage red Wayfarer sunglasses.

2. If you don't remember where you left them, be prepared to brave Canal Street vendors.

3. When braving Canal Street vendors, pick one that you've chatted with recently, that remembers you, and one who is somewhat intimidated by your large pitbull, even if said dog smiles all the time and is flopped down on the floor. This way, when the manager comes close to you, to tell you the price you've offered is too low, the dog gets up, and, still smiling, gets between the two of you. That action facilitates a quick transaction at your price.

4. Watch the vendor. They bargain for one style of cute glasses for $5, then try to slip you an ugly pair. Both are knock offs, but, one is the ugly step-sister. Make sure you walk away with Emberella. I said they were knock-offs, Cinderella would cost you $150.

5. Westie's are like straight hair, unforgiving when you clip their fur. In fact, their fur is actually hair. Curly hair is made to clip and chop at, and will allow you to make mistakes, unless you do what Miss H did one year, and shave down to the scalp trying to trim your curly hair, necessitating a Sinead O'Connor haircut. Straight hair requires a steady hand and shows every mis-cut of the scissors. There is a reason the doggy salon in SoHo charges more to trim the terrier than the Aveya training salon does to cut my hair... they are in SoHo. With that aside, there is a reason you take terriers, particularly Westies who have double coats to professionals. Attempting to trim your own dog with scissors is akin to my mother trimming the Golden Child's hair back in the day. You end up dropping off the pet/child at a salon while you wear a scarf and big, dark sunglasses and use a pseudonym. In the Golden Child's case, my mother had one side of his head shaved up to the crown and the other side shaved along the side. In the Westie's case... well, we'll say she now looks pathetic and won't come near me.

6. Do not buy the Chocolate phone, even if it is cute and red. I am getting my third, count it THIRD one this week. They've said they may just give me a new model phone. Gee, you think three phones for bad inner workings in four months constitutes a bad phone? I've not mentioned the fact I burn out watch batteries, laptop batteries, mouse batteries.. pretty much anything electrical and hand held. We'll keep that our little secret.

7. When will I learn to stay away from the heavy food at the salad buffet?

8. I was reminded my mother is a bitch. She has a lame excuse for not attending HRH's wedding... I keep opening that Trojan horse labeled hope around her. I forget it's as empty as her soul.

9. Small children cannot keep secrets. Sit next to one on the train, and they will tell you everything. The little girl this morning who sat on the lap of the woman she was with told me she had on new underware, that they were going to the beach, and that the woman she was with was her daddy's girlfriend, and they couldn't tell mom. Yeah, that's going to be a secret for a long time.

10. The inventor of the air conditioner is a god.

11. Sometimes, text messages can make your day.

12. Before you leave the landing of your five floor walk-up, make sure you have everything you need. When you are in the lobby, and realise you've left your never ending metrocard... it's 95 outside, and you look at allllllllllllll of those stairs... pay the $4 for a day pass.

13. Do not hand over your never ending metrocard even if your hands are full for someone to kindly swipe it for you... they switch cards. I deserved that... and he deserved it when I had it canceled. Poohead. (I'm going back to the land of Utes soon, I'm getting back into practice)

14. As nice as the breeze feels from the oncoming train, do not lean too close over the tracks...the look of total fear and panic on the drivers face really isn't worth the coolness of the air.

15. Isn't it wonderful to have your arms full of stuff on your way home on a hot, hot, hot, muggy day, dreading the walk to the train, the six block walk home and knowing you have to transfer at Union Station...and suddenly there it is...the 4...running local on weekends. Booya.

16. Did I mention remember where you left your vintage red Wayfarer sunglasses?