Even knowing what was here, it still surprises me.
Still waiting for my body to adjust to not having what it needs, and that is exhausting. The holiday was easy, but, tiring. Making coffee is exhausting. Feeding the cats is exhausting. I take naps to recoup from my nap... But, it's only another 15 days, and I'll get treatment, blood work and then back on meds, so, hurrah!
The house is sold, with my move out date (hopefully!) this weekend. I'm glad I never moved anything back in, thus allowing me to move out in a matter of hours... I've still no idea where I'll go, where I'll live, what I want to focus on. I think seriously about moving back to New York.... I also think about moving to the UK for a few months. One joy is, I'll have this massive freedom...
Life is moving on, doors shut, doors opening. Live and learn and be thankful I'm able to move on, not needing something in my life so desperately, I'll sacrifice myself. I have realised that doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result is where madness lies. I have learned to not be surprised when people act the same way... again, it's not as if they just woke up and became this way-- we are people of habit.
Sophie continues to grow, making me wonder what her mix is... she's the size of a year old cat at six months.
I sound dull as ditchwater, and that is because I am right now.... the most energy I can put forth is reading, flipping channels and knitting.... and knitting little hats for an organisation I found online.
I'm hooked on Home and Garden TV and today, I've watched Wife Swap all day... and enjoyed it.
Someone save me.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Sunday Scribblings~Flash Fiction
Today, the prompt word over at SundayScribblings was 'believe'.
I wrote the following piece aeons ago, reflecting back on my divorce, tucking it away... and, since it had the word 'believe' in it, I dug it out to use...
"Believe for once." you said, in hushed tones, your hand in my hair, twisting the curls on your finger. "Believe in us." your mouth moving over mine, soft whispers as your lips slid to my jaw and down my throat. "Please, believe in me, in what I tell you, trust in this future I swear will happen." Murmured phrases, your face between my breasts, our bodies still wrapped around each other, skin touching, as we breathed in counter-point. "Believe when I tell you I cannot imagine life without you, that the last thing I want on this earth is to be held in your arms, to hear your heart beat, to have your scent surround me." "Believe." you asked, and I answered with blind faith until she called to brag of your betrayal, destroying all--giving proof to not trust anyone who uses that particular phrase, that word. The truth lies at the core--beLIEve.
I wrote the following piece aeons ago, reflecting back on my divorce, tucking it away... and, since it had the word 'believe' in it, I dug it out to use...
Word Play
"Believe for once." you said, in hushed tones, your hand in my hair, twisting the curls on your finger. "Believe in us." your mouth moving over mine, soft whispers as your lips slid to my jaw and down my throat. "Please, believe in me, in what I tell you, trust in this future I swear will happen." Murmured phrases, your face between my breasts, our bodies still wrapped around each other, skin touching, as we breathed in counter-point. "Believe when I tell you I cannot imagine life without you, that the last thing I want on this earth is to be held in your arms, to hear your heart beat, to have your scent surround me." "Believe." you asked, and I answered with blind faith until she called to brag of your betrayal, destroying all--giving proof to not trust anyone who uses that particular phrase, that word. The truth lies at the core--beLIEve.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Three Word Wednesday-On A Friday
Faith
Miracle
Whisper
Miracle
Whisper
Hush
We go through life, asking for miracles at football games or when we stand at the bedside of a terminally ill loved one or putting forth the desire to not be alone. Our prayers are whispered, rising up on the smoke of candles... carried in the frosty air as the smoke from our breath moves into the world. Sometimes, those prayers move though space and time, and reach the ear of God, who grants the request. Faith is when we continue to believe in both the words we sent forth into the hush and in the Master of the Universe, even as the thing we asked for is not granted...still going forward, in full trust that one day... one day... it will happen.
The Weather Outside Is Dreary
I woke up to snow.
Of course, I went to bed to snow, too...but, this is getting beyond foolish, I mean, really... who is supposed to keep up shoveling this stuff? Since Monday alone, we've had snow four of five days. FOUR OF FIVE DAYS!! The only walk and drive shoveled is the one owned by the little lady down the street who sweeps it all off.
I may hire her to come clear my area.
I did shovel once. Once. That exhausted me.. I'm at the point now where even the small amount I did yesterday morning caused me to nap for two hours. Later, The Investment and I went to a film and to have Chinese food. Sadly, nothing was open for food, but, we did see "The Yes Man". I vote 'No' on anyone seeing it.... well, not "No", but, wait until DVD.
It wasn't as huge a loss of time as "The Day the Earth Stood Still".... a film I offered up two hours of my life to see. Back in the day, Limbo was where those who weren't baptised Catholic went when they died. Later, Limbo moved with no forwarding address, taking my silver dimes with them. I think it's been brought back as "Films That Suck" space... and it costs more than a dime to get in...
Here's to the hope everyone is enjoying their holidays....
Of course, I went to bed to snow, too...but, this is getting beyond foolish, I mean, really... who is supposed to keep up shoveling this stuff? Since Monday alone, we've had snow four of five days. FOUR OF FIVE DAYS!! The only walk and drive shoveled is the one owned by the little lady down the street who sweeps it all off.
I may hire her to come clear my area.
I did shovel once. Once. That exhausted me.. I'm at the point now where even the small amount I did yesterday morning caused me to nap for two hours. Later, The Investment and I went to a film and to have Chinese food. Sadly, nothing was open for food, but, we did see "The Yes Man". I vote 'No' on anyone seeing it.... well, not "No", but, wait until DVD.
It wasn't as huge a loss of time as "The Day the Earth Stood Still".... a film I offered up two hours of my life to see. Back in the day, Limbo was where those who weren't baptised Catholic went when they died. Later, Limbo moved with no forwarding address, taking my silver dimes with them. I think it's been brought back as "Films That Suck" space... and it costs more than a dime to get in...
Here's to the hope everyone is enjoying their holidays....
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Gratitude~Part II
I follow a number of blogs, reading, commenting... each one different, each offering me new insight.
I'm fortunate to have a number of readers here.... they read and comment, and those comments also give me insight to what is, what I'm doing, what I've done. I appreciate all of those.
Dramatic One~sassy, smart, silly. Clive Owen doesn't know what he's missing. She is bold and brash and I love reading of her life, watching her moving into the next part of her life, far from everything she's known, and, my money is on her.
Lance~here is a man who is apart from his Blonde for the first time in 42 years this holiday. Why? Because he took two years off from his 'real' life, to go to Mississippi and help folk who were displaced by Katrina. He is the kind of person who makes me feel little in the world.
Wit~Published, produced, excellent reviews! Like Veronica, her writing skills blow me away, and show me that yes, talent is rewarded... and theirs is the talent that makes you catch your breath at times, with it's intensity.
DebB~she reads, seldom comments, reminds me on the phone when I'm too far up my own arse. Big fight coming up for her... I'm here for you!
Loo~my sista! If nothing else, she is the reason Neville and Margaret existed... she's loyal, decent, a parent who believes that's her job, gives herself completely to friends and loved ones. I want her laugh when I grow up.
Vinny~wonders and writes and questions all that happens in life; always going forward, even when he feels there may not be a reason to do so.
Greg~who was overseas, came home, and survived all he saw and did... and stayed a good guy.
Austere~ somehow, even if I've not said a word, she gleans what is on and writes. Her own blog is full of floating images of her life, pain at times, glimpses of things to laugh about. She allows me to share The Parent, giving me someone to keep in that place in my heart.
Isle ~read his blog, if you get the chance. When does fiction end and his life begin? Who knows?
A select group of people who read, who comment... who enlighten me and give me hope and drop little lines to say, "It'll work!". Someone said bloggers are full of ego, putting our words out there... the "look at me!" thing. Well, our words are all we ever own. We become a loose group, a tribe I suppose, of people who care, who send notes that can make me laugh so hard, I snort.
I've been lucky with the full group named on the side of my bit of the sandbox... I'm never bored, wishing I didn't have them linked, or find them shallow or trite.
Thank each and every one of you, for being the people you are, for your words, your bravery in putting out your life for the world...that lets me find great hope for the future.
My life would be a shallow and still puddle, instead of the deep, moving river that it is with all of you, posters, readers, those other bloggers.
Thank you, again.
I'm fortunate to have a number of readers here.... they read and comment, and those comments also give me insight to what is, what I'm doing, what I've done. I appreciate all of those.
Dramatic One~sassy, smart, silly. Clive Owen doesn't know what he's missing. She is bold and brash and I love reading of her life, watching her moving into the next part of her life, far from everything she's known, and, my money is on her.
Lance~here is a man who is apart from his Blonde for the first time in 42 years this holiday. Why? Because he took two years off from his 'real' life, to go to Mississippi and help folk who were displaced by Katrina. He is the kind of person who makes me feel little in the world.
Wit~Published, produced, excellent reviews! Like Veronica, her writing skills blow me away, and show me that yes, talent is rewarded... and theirs is the talent that makes you catch your breath at times, with it's intensity.
DebB~she reads, seldom comments, reminds me on the phone when I'm too far up my own arse. Big fight coming up for her... I'm here for you!
Loo~my sista! If nothing else, she is the reason Neville and Margaret existed... she's loyal, decent, a parent who believes that's her job, gives herself completely to friends and loved ones. I want her laugh when I grow up.
Vinny~wonders and writes and questions all that happens in life; always going forward, even when he feels there may not be a reason to do so.
Greg~who was overseas, came home, and survived all he saw and did... and stayed a good guy.
Austere~ somehow, even if I've not said a word, she gleans what is on and writes. Her own blog is full of floating images of her life, pain at times, glimpses of things to laugh about. She allows me to share The Parent, giving me someone to keep in that place in my heart.
Isle ~read his blog, if you get the chance. When does fiction end and his life begin? Who knows?
A select group of people who read, who comment... who enlighten me and give me hope and drop little lines to say, "It'll work!". Someone said bloggers are full of ego, putting our words out there... the "look at me!" thing. Well, our words are all we ever own. We become a loose group, a tribe I suppose, of people who care, who send notes that can make me laugh so hard, I snort.
I've been lucky with the full group named on the side of my bit of the sandbox... I'm never bored, wishing I didn't have them linked, or find them shallow or trite.
Thank each and every one of you, for being the people you are, for your words, your bravery in putting out your life for the world...that lets me find great hope for the future.
My life would be a shallow and still puddle, instead of the deep, moving river that it is with all of you, posters, readers, those other bloggers.
Thank you, again.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Christmas Gratitude
The lack of essential cells in my body is causing huge problems.
One is my short bursts of energy that dissipate, leaving me sleeping for hours in that odd place where you don't really sleep but dwell on issues and throw in some butterflies and it all makes sense.
One thing I didn't do, couldn't do, was sent out handwritten cards to those people who have been part of my life, who make huge differences... those who have made me laugh and think and weep for one reason or another.
Please indulge me, as, along with those personal emails (so, SO, tacky I'd say normally... but, I have no choice this year), I want to do a few posts naming people who have helped change my life.
Solomon-I discovered his blog via Golfwidow, and it gave me reason to hope about many things. Here is a place that is about being grateful for the big and little things in life. What you've manifested for the day, what you perhaps have done that was a kindness to another. He makes me stop and think about how I'm going about life, what karma is about, and how easy it is to hold dear the words of someone you've never met.
Peter-My guy. Another that gives me the ability to look beyond the pain of what is, and see the future. Who reminds me without words we can all find happiness, if we stop crying over spilt milk, and accept with love those who love us, warts and all.
The Weather Guy-No, I'm not mad with being ill. He gave me great joy of a place to be safe and content and then, the enormous pain of betrayal of friendship, regardless of the rest of our relationship. I learned quite a bit from him in many ways; how we view things from different sides. I'm at peace, and, my time in my life with him made me see love (in whatever form) is funny on what it makes people choose to do, isn't it? (he remains anonymous, and I won't share his blog linkage)
CF-My friend who moved to NYC from Utah, taking me with her. She's held in there, struggling at times, never losing sight of her goal in life. We don't always agree, but, I admire her tenacity.
Miss Sof-There aren't enough words for Miss Sof. Let it be understood my life would be so barren without her friendship, everything would be beige.
Golfwidow-Who showed all of us, you can recreate your life, hold on to a sense of humour and dignity, and make a new existence in a new place, with nothing. She is one of my hero's.
Thom-He calls, he writes, he shares his life, and takes on bits of mine. Another who took on a whole new existence, and is making a name for himself in his new place. One day, I'll actually mail his scarf.
Tim-Our phone calls make me laugh so hard, I can't be in public, because I start to cough and wheeze. He's had a tough year, yet still holds strong to what he wants in life. Another example for me to follow.
Robert-Who knew a guy who wanted to put forth a place for flash fiction would be so bloody successful? He wades through the morass that is creating his site, tweeking here, moving that there.... and he does it along with encouraging those of us who thought we were far from talented.
Cormac-The man can write. He is also a father and husband who works hard at those jobs, of being there for his family, for his friends... who encourages people around him, and who believes in his friends.
Oddship-He's there when I need him, and sets me straight on a number of things. When I sent a painful rant to him, then thanked him for reading, the response was, "Didn't we agree you'd stick to 15 words or less on this stuff?". It made me laugh, and reassess what was important. His work raises the bar for me to aspire to, his critiques aren't always nice. Like Cormac and Bud (below), he's a father who takes pride in that position in life.
Bud-Talent, perseverance, love of his wife (I envy both his and Cormac's missus), never with a harsh word. He makes me believe in me.
More later, this has worn me out emotionally.... and I've many more to thank.
I appreciate your patience here...
One is my short bursts of energy that dissipate, leaving me sleeping for hours in that odd place where you don't really sleep but dwell on issues and throw in some butterflies and it all makes sense.
One thing I didn't do, couldn't do, was sent out handwritten cards to those people who have been part of my life, who make huge differences... those who have made me laugh and think and weep for one reason or another.
Please indulge me, as, along with those personal emails (so, SO, tacky I'd say normally... but, I have no choice this year), I want to do a few posts naming people who have helped change my life.
Solomon-I discovered his blog via Golfwidow, and it gave me reason to hope about many things. Here is a place that is about being grateful for the big and little things in life. What you've manifested for the day, what you perhaps have done that was a kindness to another. He makes me stop and think about how I'm going about life, what karma is about, and how easy it is to hold dear the words of someone you've never met.
Peter-My guy. Another that gives me the ability to look beyond the pain of what is, and see the future. Who reminds me without words we can all find happiness, if we stop crying over spilt milk, and accept with love those who love us, warts and all.
The Weather Guy-No, I'm not mad with being ill. He gave me great joy of a place to be safe and content and then, the enormous pain of betrayal of friendship, regardless of the rest of our relationship. I learned quite a bit from him in many ways; how we view things from different sides. I'm at peace, and, my time in my life with him made me see love (in whatever form) is funny on what it makes people choose to do, isn't it? (he remains anonymous, and I won't share his blog linkage)
CF-My friend who moved to NYC from Utah, taking me with her. She's held in there, struggling at times, never losing sight of her goal in life. We don't always agree, but, I admire her tenacity.
Miss Sof-There aren't enough words for Miss Sof. Let it be understood my life would be so barren without her friendship, everything would be beige.
Golfwidow-Who showed all of us, you can recreate your life, hold on to a sense of humour and dignity, and make a new existence in a new place, with nothing. She is one of my hero's.
Thom-He calls, he writes, he shares his life, and takes on bits of mine. Another who took on a whole new existence, and is making a name for himself in his new place. One day, I'll actually mail his scarf.
Tim-Our phone calls make me laugh so hard, I can't be in public, because I start to cough and wheeze. He's had a tough year, yet still holds strong to what he wants in life. Another example for me to follow.
Robert-Who knew a guy who wanted to put forth a place for flash fiction would be so bloody successful? He wades through the morass that is creating his site, tweeking here, moving that there.... and he does it along with encouraging those of us who thought we were far from talented.
Cormac-The man can write. He is also a father and husband who works hard at those jobs, of being there for his family, for his friends... who encourages people around him, and who believes in his friends.
Oddship-He's there when I need him, and sets me straight on a number of things. When I sent a painful rant to him, then thanked him for reading, the response was, "Didn't we agree you'd stick to 15 words or less on this stuff?". It made me laugh, and reassess what was important. His work raises the bar for me to aspire to, his critiques aren't always nice. Like Cormac and Bud (below), he's a father who takes pride in that position in life.
Bud-Talent, perseverance, love of his wife (I envy both his and Cormac's missus), never with a harsh word. He makes me believe in me.
More later, this has worn me out emotionally.... and I've many more to thank.
I appreciate your patience here...
Saturday, December 20, 2008
LA Is A Great Big Place
I've perfected the "This is MY highway!" look.
It is the look you have to have driving in California, especially LA, as I've mentioned before. I came in yesterday from the Land O'Utes to visit the Brother and SIL. I make no bones about the fact I adore each of them, along with the three dogs who sit at your feet when they aren't staring at you.
I made decent time until Las Vegas, where I was tied up in traffic for 90 minutes.... I'm still not sure why as I didn't see the kind of carnage you'd expect to see to have that kind of traffic jam. Driving 90mph helped make up a bit of time, and it was shocking to see snow in Vegas and out in the desert.
I'm boring as hell here, having gone to Costco (HURRAH!!!) and this enomorous liquor store. To get into the Brother's jeep, I have to put one leg in then hold onto the seat to lever myself into the what seems to be 3 feet off the ground interior. He finds this amusing. I'm glad one of us does.... and, he'd better start remembering I was born first and let him live, so, he kinda owes me loyalty.
Tomorrow is green chili day, and a play that I'll see with Peter of Plastic Bubble World, so, I'm very happy to hae that coming up.
Mostly I rest, I'm dead tired and can't get enough sleep it seems....
I move out of my house next week, and have no idea where I'll be living.... this should be interesting. I do know there is a trip to see Loo in the UK again in January after my tests, and a trip back to New York to help finish the film I started my career as a script supervisor on.. Kim invited me to work on it as a Producer, and I'm thrilled to death to go back, to work, and to see her.
The future looks very bright, indeed.
It is the look you have to have driving in California, especially LA, as I've mentioned before. I came in yesterday from the Land O'Utes to visit the Brother and SIL. I make no bones about the fact I adore each of them, along with the three dogs who sit at your feet when they aren't staring at you.
I made decent time until Las Vegas, where I was tied up in traffic for 90 minutes.... I'm still not sure why as I didn't see the kind of carnage you'd expect to see to have that kind of traffic jam. Driving 90mph helped make up a bit of time, and it was shocking to see snow in Vegas and out in the desert.
I'm boring as hell here, having gone to Costco (HURRAH!!!) and this enomorous liquor store. To get into the Brother's jeep, I have to put one leg in then hold onto the seat to lever myself into the what seems to be 3 feet off the ground interior. He finds this amusing. I'm glad one of us does.... and, he'd better start remembering I was born first and let him live, so, he kinda owes me loyalty.
Tomorrow is green chili day, and a play that I'll see with Peter of Plastic Bubble World, so, I'm very happy to hae that coming up.
Mostly I rest, I'm dead tired and can't get enough sleep it seems....
I move out of my house next week, and have no idea where I'll be living.... this should be interesting. I do know there is a trip to see Loo in the UK again in January after my tests, and a trip back to New York to help finish the film I started my career as a script supervisor on.. Kim invited me to work on it as a Producer, and I'm thrilled to death to go back, to work, and to see her.
The future looks very bright, indeed.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Weather Guy, Part II
Very seldom do I bring my private life fully onto my journal.
I tend to keep things that are extremely important to me posted elsewhere in a protected site or written in good ol' pen on paper. Things I puzzle out, am hurt by.... I keep those big things hidden.
I used to mention the Weather Guy here on my bit of sandbox. He was a good friend for years, who moved into the relationship of lover with me. I freely admitted I wouldn't kiss him, and that I regretted that decision. I saw him as a man of honour, decency, kindness... someone I saw on a regular basis, that I spoke to last thing every night...who shared his life with me, once announcing he had to up his phone minutes and text messages, we communicated so much... who laughed with me, teased me, knew how I liked my coffee....we had a relationship, even if we never really kissed.
Over the last two months, a number of revelations were made to me, from his announcing on his Facebook he was in a relationship that didn't have my name on it (classy!), to his girlfriend exploring not only my journal, but, many of those who link here... seeking information on him, I was told.
Now, I am removed from his life.... blocked from all the various places we kept in touch. I've a good idea why, and regardless of that, I am hurt a great deal by these actions. I was in the dark to what was going on, still receiving emails and text messages and the occasional phone call. I was told I was thought of and missed. During this time, Adj (nickname) was flown to his new work location in Zurich, to spend a few weeks. I'm stunned, because I cannot imagine playing this kind of game. A game that involved two women, one who snooped and found out about me, and me... lost in the belief I had a friend.
It's been a very difficult two months... as soon as I'd think it was over, something would happen to bring me back into their chaos. To think my friendship was worth so little I was, as the saying goes, thrown under the bus is emotionally shattering. To be told we never had a relationship in his eyes... I thought relationships were trust, honour, friendship, concern, communication--things we had for 15 months...was a slap in my face. Especially following words to the contrary that were sent to me via emails and text and in voice... on the phone and to my face. We weren't sure what we had, but, we knew it was a 'ship' of some kind.
To spend 15 months, and be 'replaced' in six weeks via an internet relationship, with lies going on while he was in his time with me, was heartbreaking. I am trying to move beyond it, the unfairness holds me back.
I've been Googled, searched out, written by the girl... I'm not sure why. I'm told it's to 'research' him. Well, this blog alone shows his affirmation to her that we were nothing more than friends who spoke on the phone hours a day was a pretty big lie. I never went into detail, however, being around him physically one to two weekends a month plus the occasional day we could squeeze into our schedules and all the talking we did, the shared confidences, the laughter... made us more than 'friends'.
To be denied any say in this is harsh. I've been assured it's not anything about me, it's all him... that lovely phrase used when someone knows they have been deliberate in their harm of another. I was told his concern is the girlfriend (his phrase, not mine) would tell their mutual friends of his duplicity and he'd lose his standing in his filk community of being a good guy. He says, he knows I'm one of the best friends he's ever had in his life... and he'll work at keeping that.
I guess he lied there, too.
I've held this inside, speaking to a few people, puzzling it out, crying in rejection, full of pain over this man I cared about so deeply, that I believed I could trust. I treat people the way I expect to be treated, and, I suppose that is what is going on now... they are treating each other the way they expect to be treated, with suspicion and distrust. I gave him levels to rise to, of good things... I really don't know what happened. I do know I have run the full length of feelings here, from taking it all on myself, to anger, to disbelief.
I am worthy of far better than this.
Yes, I can say what many will say... the possibility of them having a real, honest, decent relationship is slim. You cannot build on a foundation of mistrust and lies. Do I wish him harm? No. Do I wish him to hurt as I have? No. Do I still call him friend? No. Do I pity him, for being so afraid he'll do anything to keep this thing he has now going? Yes.
I have contacted him, and, after his first flurry of text messages and emails and phone calls... it's silent. I am done with for him, but, I'm not...or the continual dismissal of what we had, of me, would stop. I do not believe karma is a bitch; I do believe it will take a pound of flesh from you.
I am better than this.
I am not going to allow comments on this post... I hope those of you who read me will understand. This is something I need to do, to vent, to release to the universe the pain and betrayal I feel. To try and forgive him and remind myself I did nothing but trust.
And, to remind myself not to trust again.
I tend to keep things that are extremely important to me posted elsewhere in a protected site or written in good ol' pen on paper. Things I puzzle out, am hurt by.... I keep those big things hidden.
I used to mention the Weather Guy here on my bit of sandbox. He was a good friend for years, who moved into the relationship of lover with me. I freely admitted I wouldn't kiss him, and that I regretted that decision. I saw him as a man of honour, decency, kindness... someone I saw on a regular basis, that I spoke to last thing every night...who shared his life with me, once announcing he had to up his phone minutes and text messages, we communicated so much... who laughed with me, teased me, knew how I liked my coffee....we had a relationship, even if we never really kissed.
Over the last two months, a number of revelations were made to me, from his announcing on his Facebook he was in a relationship that didn't have my name on it (classy!), to his girlfriend exploring not only my journal, but, many of those who link here... seeking information on him, I was told.
Now, I am removed from his life.... blocked from all the various places we kept in touch. I've a good idea why, and regardless of that, I am hurt a great deal by these actions. I was in the dark to what was going on, still receiving emails and text messages and the occasional phone call. I was told I was thought of and missed. During this time, Adj (nickname) was flown to his new work location in Zurich, to spend a few weeks. I'm stunned, because I cannot imagine playing this kind of game. A game that involved two women, one who snooped and found out about me, and me... lost in the belief I had a friend.
It's been a very difficult two months... as soon as I'd think it was over, something would happen to bring me back into their chaos. To think my friendship was worth so little I was, as the saying goes, thrown under the bus is emotionally shattering. To be told we never had a relationship in his eyes... I thought relationships were trust, honour, friendship, concern, communication--things we had for 15 months...was a slap in my face. Especially following words to the contrary that were sent to me via emails and text and in voice... on the phone and to my face. We weren't sure what we had, but, we knew it was a 'ship' of some kind.
To spend 15 months, and be 'replaced' in six weeks via an internet relationship, with lies going on while he was in his time with me, was heartbreaking. I am trying to move beyond it, the unfairness holds me back.
I've been Googled, searched out, written by the girl... I'm not sure why. I'm told it's to 'research' him. Well, this blog alone shows his affirmation to her that we were nothing more than friends who spoke on the phone hours a day was a pretty big lie. I never went into detail, however, being around him physically one to two weekends a month plus the occasional day we could squeeze into our schedules and all the talking we did, the shared confidences, the laughter... made us more than 'friends'.
To be denied any say in this is harsh. I've been assured it's not anything about me, it's all him... that lovely phrase used when someone knows they have been deliberate in their harm of another. I was told his concern is the girlfriend (his phrase, not mine) would tell their mutual friends of his duplicity and he'd lose his standing in his filk community of being a good guy. He says, he knows I'm one of the best friends he's ever had in his life... and he'll work at keeping that.
I guess he lied there, too.
I've held this inside, speaking to a few people, puzzling it out, crying in rejection, full of pain over this man I cared about so deeply, that I believed I could trust. I treat people the way I expect to be treated, and, I suppose that is what is going on now... they are treating each other the way they expect to be treated, with suspicion and distrust. I gave him levels to rise to, of good things... I really don't know what happened. I do know I have run the full length of feelings here, from taking it all on myself, to anger, to disbelief.
I am worthy of far better than this.
Yes, I can say what many will say... the possibility of them having a real, honest, decent relationship is slim. You cannot build on a foundation of mistrust and lies. Do I wish him harm? No. Do I wish him to hurt as I have? No. Do I still call him friend? No. Do I pity him, for being so afraid he'll do anything to keep this thing he has now going? Yes.
I have contacted him, and, after his first flurry of text messages and emails and phone calls... it's silent. I am done with for him, but, I'm not...or the continual dismissal of what we had, of me, would stop. I do not believe karma is a bitch; I do believe it will take a pound of flesh from you.
I am better than this.
I am not going to allow comments on this post... I hope those of you who read me will understand. This is something I need to do, to vent, to release to the universe the pain and betrayal I feel. To try and forgive him and remind myself I did nothing but trust.
And, to remind myself not to trust again.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Three Word Wednesday~Hesitate, Jealous and Neglect.
Three prompts, five sentences, 58 words.
Who Knew?
Perhaps I had shown neglect in the past, allowing my time and attention to be taken by other, less important, matters. You didn’t hesitate to take advantage of that, slipping around into other places, other lives. No surprise that I showed no jealousy-- instead I simply left. Parenting was hard. To walk away took no effort at all.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Six Sentences-Vol 2
Truth Hurts
Without the formality of the salute, they moved into place, fencers in their final match, squaring off when he came to get his things--his portion of their life together. Engaging in conversation, words their rapiers, parrying...advance...retreat; her pain at being found wanting like a stone bruise; invisible, yet, far too tender to the touch. She feinted, saying in a low voice how confident he'd become since he'd met his lover. Flustered, flattered, preening...his defense dropped, asking why did she think so. Executing a fast riposte, serene smile in place, she struck the winning touch, "Because every time you fuck her, you boldly go where so many have gone before." He gazed dully at the closed door, his hand reaching up to stroke his face, seeking traces of blood from where his ego had been nicked.
Thus reads my accepted submission for the second volume of work by those who contribute to Six Sentences. It was.... wrapped with my own emotions.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sunday Scribblings~I Knew Instantly
If Only Everything Was As Reliable As A Volkswagen
There was never any doubt.
Not a minute. Not a second. Not even one of those nano-seconds they talk about in science fiction movies and such. No, there was never any doubt in my mind as to what we'd have for dinner that day as my Great Aunt Idell walked the house, brow furrowed, fat folds almost covering her eyes behind the black framed glasses that caught the light from outside on this beautiful Sunday afternoon in Mississippi. It was spring, the crepe myrtle was advancing on the house with the same sense of taking it over as Grant showed when he marched through Richmond 100 years before and the air smelled of newly turned earth, honeysuckle and freshly baked blackberry cobbler.
My grandmother, tiny, thin, her lips seldom in a smile, followed Idell, muttering to herself they should never have let Uncle Burt borrow the Volkswagen . He never put the keys back in the right place, and now that they were needed by these two...well, they weren't nowhere at all.
"Found 'em!" shouted Idell, her stockinged thighs rubbing together announcing her arrival before you actually saw her entering a room. "Bonnie? I found 'em! Let's get going on this!"
Being a part time City child, I found most of the chores around this farm.ish kind of a place dull, and almost serf like in responsibility. Who on earth wanted to gather eggs or shovel manure or even, for heavens sake, pick vegetables? I didn't want to know where my food came from, I only wanted it cooked and served in the cool of the evening, after I'd read up in a tree, avoiding as much manual labour as I possibly could.
There was, however, one event...one task I loved to watch. Call me sick, call me twisted, but, make sure you called my 6 year old self when this would happen. It would start with that walk though the house, the search for the 1958 Bug keys by those two women. Once found, Idell would take her bulk out to the shed where her beloved car sat. It was eight years old and had 6000 miles on it, all of them either driving back and forth to the Baptist church on Sundays and Wednesdays.... and a few when the car was used as a weapon of destruction.
Neither woman could actually kill a chicken, you see. One was too small to do damage, one too soft hearted. But, in order to have fried chicken for Sunday Dinner, you had to, well, kill one. They finally figured out a plan, one that saved them from using an ax or wringing necks; one they felt was humane. My grandmother would kneel down on her apron, holding the chicken still with it's head on a large flat rock, and Idell would back her car slowly over the chicken's head, effectively killing the chicken and stopping that running around the yard a beheaded chicken tends to do. I'm not sure why they never had my father chop the head off, or why Great Aunt Idell never drove forward to kill the chicken... it was always the call of "Where are the car keys??" and the subsequent ritual of chicken down, car backed out, chicken dead.
So, there was never any doubt what was for dinner and I knew instantly when I heard that phrase, when I saw my Grandmother head for the coop.... fried chicken for dinner with all the Southern fixin's plus the added bonus of what passed for afternoon entertainment on the farmette was in store.
These days, it's far easier to fix chicken, I get in my VW and drive to buy prepackaged, dead, plucked, ready to cook chicken. It's far easier....
.....but, not nearly as much fun.
16 MeMe's
Golfwidow tagged me. I'm not tagging anyone back, though. If you want to pretend I tagged you and do this thing, have at it.
1. I don't like my food to touch
2. I kept my kids from knowing about santa until they were 10 or so.
3. I talk to the television.
4. I have no wrinkles on the top of my left middle finger knuckle, I've chewed/rubbed them off stimming.
5. I hate cars and driving.
6. I jump into bed so my feet won'tl be near the dark place underneath as I get in.
7. I can ride beautifully... dressage or jumping.
8. I am not usually fond of children.
9. I started reading at 4.
10. I have done acid, mesc, mushrooms and peyote when I was in high school.
11. I knit to calm myself.
12. There was a time I didn't really leave my house for almost four years.
13. I am not afraid of death.
14. I can't figure out why they advertise drugs to promote male erections, then tell you if you get one for a long time, run to the ER
15. Sports scare me.
16. I suck at budgeting.
1. I don't like my food to touch
2. I kept my kids from knowing about santa until they were 10 or so.
3. I talk to the television.
4. I have no wrinkles on the top of my left middle finger knuckle, I've chewed/rubbed them off stimming.
5. I hate cars and driving.
6. I jump into bed so my feet won'tl be near the dark place underneath as I get in.
7. I can ride beautifully... dressage or jumping.
8. I am not usually fond of children.
9. I started reading at 4.
10. I have done acid, mesc, mushrooms and peyote when I was in high school.
11. I knit to calm myself.
12. There was a time I didn't really leave my house for almost four years.
13. I am not afraid of death.
14. I can't figure out why they advertise drugs to promote male erections, then tell you if you get one for a long time, run to the ER
15. Sports scare me.
16. I suck at budgeting.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Six of One
I don't understand people.
When you say to them, as advice, "Do not seek snakes to bite you, because you will find them every time."-- and they seek them anyway. I see the evidence the search was made, the snake was found, and I am sorrowful the person was hurt.
Yet.
If they had not gone hunting, delving into my life, if they had not been part of hurting me to begin with... they'd not have been harmed. If they had stopped after the first time, if they'd left well enough alone. Why drag me back into things I wanted no part of, then, go Googling and digging and reading here and there for information they knew would be painful to read? Hiding behind IP blockers (which do not hide other tell tale areas that divulge who you are) to dig around in my life. Things I wrote in innocence long ago, and do not feel I should have to delete?
There is not right nor wrong, but, decisions and consequences for those decisions. You can blame one but yourself for what occurs, when you are advised, and you move forward in full awareness you are looking for that snake.
In the end, who is the one wronged?
When you say to them, as advice, "Do not seek snakes to bite you, because you will find them every time."-- and they seek them anyway. I see the evidence the search was made, the snake was found, and I am sorrowful the person was hurt.
Yet.
If they had not gone hunting, delving into my life, if they had not been part of hurting me to begin with... they'd not have been harmed. If they had stopped after the first time, if they'd left well enough alone. Why drag me back into things I wanted no part of, then, go Googling and digging and reading here and there for information they knew would be painful to read? Hiding behind IP blockers (which do not hide other tell tale areas that divulge who you are) to dig around in my life. Things I wrote in innocence long ago, and do not feel I should have to delete?
There is not right nor wrong, but, decisions and consequences for those decisions. You can blame one but yourself for what occurs, when you are advised, and you move forward in full awareness you are looking for that snake.
In the end, who is the one wronged?
Thank You, St Joseph!
I'm awake every two hours, what a shame no one has a baby I could be feeding.
My least favourite symptom has already raised it's head... I itch, and can't stand fabric on my skin. Even my best sheets are a nightmare next to my hyper sensitive largest organ (calm down, it's the skin) so, I toss and turn and scratch.
The up side is, I sold my house! Hurrah!! We hope to close by the end of the month, and with that, I'll buy my ticket to the U of K to visit my dear Loo and the girls (which means more Neville info), upgrade my car (so long, Norma Jean), and think about where I'm going to live on a full time basis.
New York? Los Angeles? London? They all sound wonderful, and knowing I can pay a deposit, and move, and be comfortable is lovely.
If I could just stop scratching long enough to really think about my next step.
My least favourite symptom has already raised it's head... I itch, and can't stand fabric on my skin. Even my best sheets are a nightmare next to my hyper sensitive largest organ (calm down, it's the skin) so, I toss and turn and scratch.
The up side is, I sold my house! Hurrah!! We hope to close by the end of the month, and with that, I'll buy my ticket to the U of K to visit my dear Loo and the girls (which means more Neville info), upgrade my car (so long, Norma Jean), and think about where I'm going to live on a full time basis.
New York? Los Angeles? London? They all sound wonderful, and knowing I can pay a deposit, and move, and be comfortable is lovely.
If I could just stop scratching long enough to really think about my next step.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Three Word Wednesday~Enemy, Shatter, Vague
If At First You Don't Succeed
Every year, I am required to see my doctor, to make sure all is well after that major operation two years ago. Usually, it's a simple check-up... we chat, some blood is drawn; you know, the basic tests that seem vague to the patient, and so very important to the medical team.
This time, his brow furrowed when he looked at my blood work, at the scans, at the long words in the reports that come with my disease, that enemy we'd taken on with radiation and nuclear meds, the treatment that rendered me weak and so very angry at my body that had betrayed me. In the end, after months of treatment, I'd come out on top, though, beating those rogue cells, coming out the winner, wallowing in my good health since.
"It's back." he said. "We are at square one." I sat, listening, my bubble of safety shattered...my realisation I was again on the path of hospital stays, drips, needles....drove me close to tears, shutting my eyes in order to seek the strength to nod my acceptance of what is, what will be... making myself ready to take this on one more time.
I'm ready to rumble.
Every year, I am required to see my doctor, to make sure all is well after that major operation two years ago. Usually, it's a simple check-up... we chat, some blood is drawn; you know, the basic tests that seem vague to the patient, and so very important to the medical team.
This time, his brow furrowed when he looked at my blood work, at the scans, at the long words in the reports that come with my disease, that enemy we'd taken on with radiation and nuclear meds, the treatment that rendered me weak and so very angry at my body that had betrayed me. In the end, after months of treatment, I'd come out on top, though, beating those rogue cells, coming out the winner, wallowing in my good health since.
"It's back." he said. "We are at square one." I sat, listening, my bubble of safety shattered...my realisation I was again on the path of hospital stays, drips, needles....drove me close to tears, shutting my eyes in order to seek the strength to nod my acceptance of what is, what will be... making myself ready to take this on one more time.
I'm ready to rumble.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I've Seen HOW Many Movies??
So, you cut and paste the list, and count how many of the films you've seen. It appears I have no life.
(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane
Total: 9
(x) The Princess Bride
(x) Anchorman
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
() Saw
() Saw II
(x) White Noise
(x) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 19
() Scream
() Scream 2
() Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
(x) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
() American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 26
(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 38
(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(x) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
(x) Robots
Total so far: 47
(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(x) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(x) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
(x) Eight Crazy Nights
(x) Joe Dirt
(x) KING KONG
Total so far: 59
(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(x) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
(x) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
() Halloween
(x) The Ring
() The Ring 2
(x) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber
Total so far: 63
(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
() From Hell
(x) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
(x) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 75
(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
(x) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
(x) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 85
(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
(x) Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremacy
() Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
(x) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x) Curious George
Total so far: 99
(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
(x) A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
(x) My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 109
() Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
(x) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
(x) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 122
(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
(x) Reign of Fire
(x) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
(x) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far: 138
(x) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
(x) The Notebook
(x) K-Pax
(x) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
(x) Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 147
(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 153
(x) Baseketball
() Hostel
(x) Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Rejects
(x) Elf
(x) Highlander
(x) Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History X
() Three
Total so Far: 159
(x) The Jacket
(x) Kung Fu Hustle
(x) Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
(x) Willard
Total so far: 167
() High Tension
(x) Club Dread
(x) Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 days later
(x) Orgazmo
() Phantasm
(x) Waterworld
Total so far: 175
(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
(x) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) the Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 182
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
(x) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 189
(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
() Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
(x) Red Drago7
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal
Total so far: 197 out of 239
Now Add them up and...
Put "I've seen (___) out of 239 films" in the subject line and repost it.
(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
(x) Airplane
Total: 9
(x) The Princess Bride
(x) Anchorman
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth
() Saw
() Saw II
(x) White Noise
(x) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 19
() Scream
() Scream 2
() Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
(x) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
(x) American Wedding
() American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 26
(x) Harry Potter 1
(x) Harry Potter 2
(x) Harry Potter 3
(x) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 38
(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(x) White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
(x) 13 Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
(x) Robots
Total so far: 47
(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
(x) Universal Soldier
(x) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(x) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
(x) Eight Crazy Nights
(x) Joe Dirt
(x) KING KONG
Total so far: 59
(x) A Cinderella Story
(x) The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(x) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
(x) Dumber & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
() Halloween
(x) The Ring
() The Ring 2
(x) Surviving X-MAS
(x) Flubber
Total so far: 63
(x) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
(x) Ghost Ship
() From Hell
(x) Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
(x) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 75
(x) The Day After Tomorrow
(x) Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
(x) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
(x) Remember the Titans
(x) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 85
(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
(x) Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremacy
() Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
(x) The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x) Curious George
Total so far: 99
(x) Independence Day
(x) Cujo
(x) A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
(x) Christine
(x) ET
(x) Children of the Corn
(x) My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 109
() Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
(x) Calendar Girls
(x) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
(x) Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 122
(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Sky High
(x) Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
(x) Reign of Fire
(x) The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
(x) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
Total so far: 138
(x) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street
(x) Old School
(x) The Notebook
(x) K-Pax
(x) Krippendorf's Tribe
(x) A Walk to Remember
(x) Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
(x) The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 147
(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 153
(x) Baseketball
() Hostel
(x) Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Rejects
(x) Elf
(x) Highlander
(x) Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History X
() Three
Total so Far: 159
(x) The Jacket
(x) Kung Fu Hustle
(x) Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(x) Shaun Of the Dead
(x) Willard
Total so far: 167
() High Tension
(x) Club Dread
(x) Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead
(x) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) 28 days later
(x) Orgazmo
() Phantasm
(x) Waterworld
Total so far: 175
(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
(x) Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
(x) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) the Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
(x) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 182
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
(x) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 189
(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
(x) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
() Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
(x) Red Drago7
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal
Total so far: 197 out of 239
Now Add them up and...
Put "I've seen (___) out of 239 films" in the subject line and repost it.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Home
Easy trip.
I'm not sure who is happier--me with my bed again, or Sophie with a head to sleep on, once more.
Home.
I'm not sure who is happier--me with my bed again, or Sophie with a head to sleep on, once more.
Home.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Getting My Groove Back
Days left before I go.
I'm back in the swing of things, back with the rhythm of the city, of the place, of the life. I walk everywhere, reducing ass and size and bringing the sounds of the street to my ears, the sights and the smells and the almost taste in the air at times.
I have my morning cup o'coffee from Nick's Diner, walking past the pile of bread left by the night crew from the bakery store. Pigeons flock over it, fighting with each other for small crumbs, the larger loaves hidden from sight by feathered bodies. Early in the morning, taking HF to school, the auto body shops are starting to open... I've a feeling some are chop shops...I'm certainly not going to ask. The guys stand around, sipping coffee, both the liquid and their breath making steam in the cold air, carrying conversations to the sky. One man says every day when I walk by, "She's a looker." He makes me smile.... I'm pretty sure he's at least 70...but, hey, a compliment is a compliment, right?
An event in the city, Upper West Side... F to 14th, the walk via tunnels to the 2... go to 96th and a beautiful venue. Two hours in the shared company of others with one of my favourite people in the world. It was worth the sharing.
Last week, dinner with CB and RB and their parents.... my C and I snuggled and murmured and cuddled for two hours. We discussed lemurs and reindeer. He kissed me a thousand times... and I was told he kept combing his hair because he knew he was going to see me. Both boys insisted I sit between them... RB chatted about school, his now healed broken arm... he showed me his palate expander (ew!) and was his usual genial self. My C, oh! he's grown! Resting his head on my shoulder, curled in my lap, stroking my face, twisting my curls... I cried when I left them.... I left them with the understanding if I want my apartment back in May, it's mine.
We shall see.
I was able to pass through two places, with no emotional bruise pain... and this is the best part of all. The difficult part of ending any relationship, be it a lover or a friend, is discovering the person you thought existed was not really there. We invent what we need at times... and to see bits of reality poke through has been difficult. Truth be told, a need was filled at the time.. I only find sorrow in the deceptions played and in my usual puzzlement at how people will use another person if it means shielding themselves.
I will miss standing on the platforms, bitching about the trains with other passengers... last night, the 'R' showed up on the 'N' side... we lemmings were startled, scared... what was this? The end of the world?? Hadn't the 'R' just pulled up on the proper side? We all stretched back and up to look at the sign... yes, it said, 'N'.... the other side said 'R'. WHAT WAS WRONG, DEAR GOD??? What was wrong, as evidenced by the quick enter and exit of the train, and the fully pissed off look on the engineer of the slow to pull in 'N', was the 'R' had used the wrong track.
HURRAH!!! All was right in our world again! You've no idea how it throws you, when you are pretty sure you are on the right platform, and the wrong train shows up and there is no Rod Serling....
Things are in the wind to change in Utah, I do believe.... fingers crossed there.... Sophie and I may be on the road again.
I can't wait.
I'm back in the swing of things, back with the rhythm of the city, of the place, of the life. I walk everywhere, reducing ass and size and bringing the sounds of the street to my ears, the sights and the smells and the almost taste in the air at times.
I have my morning cup o'coffee from Nick's Diner, walking past the pile of bread left by the night crew from the bakery store. Pigeons flock over it, fighting with each other for small crumbs, the larger loaves hidden from sight by feathered bodies. Early in the morning, taking HF to school, the auto body shops are starting to open... I've a feeling some are chop shops...I'm certainly not going to ask. The guys stand around, sipping coffee, both the liquid and their breath making steam in the cold air, carrying conversations to the sky. One man says every day when I walk by, "She's a looker." He makes me smile.... I'm pretty sure he's at least 70...but, hey, a compliment is a compliment, right?
An event in the city, Upper West Side... F to 14th, the walk via tunnels to the 2... go to 96th and a beautiful venue. Two hours in the shared company of others with one of my favourite people in the world. It was worth the sharing.
Last week, dinner with CB and RB and their parents.... my C and I snuggled and murmured and cuddled for two hours. We discussed lemurs and reindeer. He kissed me a thousand times... and I was told he kept combing his hair because he knew he was going to see me. Both boys insisted I sit between them... RB chatted about school, his now healed broken arm... he showed me his palate expander (ew!) and was his usual genial self. My C, oh! he's grown! Resting his head on my shoulder, curled in my lap, stroking my face, twisting my curls... I cried when I left them.... I left them with the understanding if I want my apartment back in May, it's mine.
We shall see.
I was able to pass through two places, with no emotional bruise pain... and this is the best part of all. The difficult part of ending any relationship, be it a lover or a friend, is discovering the person you thought existed was not really there. We invent what we need at times... and to see bits of reality poke through has been difficult. Truth be told, a need was filled at the time.. I only find sorrow in the deceptions played and in my usual puzzlement at how people will use another person if it means shielding themselves.
I will miss standing on the platforms, bitching about the trains with other passengers... last night, the 'R' showed up on the 'N' side... we lemmings were startled, scared... what was this? The end of the world?? Hadn't the 'R' just pulled up on the proper side? We all stretched back and up to look at the sign... yes, it said, 'N'.... the other side said 'R'. WHAT WAS WRONG, DEAR GOD??? What was wrong, as evidenced by the quick enter and exit of the train, and the fully pissed off look on the engineer of the slow to pull in 'N', was the 'R' had used the wrong track.
HURRAH!!! All was right in our world again! You've no idea how it throws you, when you are pretty sure you are on the right platform, and the wrong train shows up and there is no Rod Serling....
Things are in the wind to change in Utah, I do believe.... fingers crossed there.... Sophie and I may be on the road again.
I can't wait.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Three Word Wednesday~Balance, Dictate, Wonder
Disclosure
Tonight, I'll balance myself on 3" heels, shortening my usual stride to something more refined, letting the place, the clothes, the event... all of these dictate my behaviour. I'll wear my black and cream silk dress with sheer, black hose and those heels in a deep shade of mulberry. I'll have put make up on and simple jewelry-- my nerves in check, my smile at the ready for that exact moment I see him, that second our eyes meet again after a year with one or two phone calls and the sometimes intense emails and I'll wonder if he's wondered...
Monday, December 1, 2008
It's 9.11PM.....Isn't Your Son Born Yet?
Happy Birthday, Son.
Playing in Pueblo....
Posing in uniform.......
I love you forever. But, you already knew that. You were worth all of those hours and the huge gianormous scar where they ripped my body open to pull you out. Never feel any guilt for all the pain and agony I went through.
Ever.
Playing in Pueblo....Posing in uniform.......
I love you forever. But, you already knew that. You were worth all of those hours and the huge gianormous scar where they ripped my body open to pull you out. Never feel any guilt for all the pain and agony I went through.
Ever.
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