Very seldom do I bring my private life fully onto my journal.
I tend to keep things that are extremely important to me posted elsewhere in a protected site or written in good ol' pen on paper. Things I puzzle out, am hurt by.... I keep those big things hidden.
I used to mention the Weather Guy here on my bit of sandbox. He was a good friend for years, who moved into the relationship of lover with me. I freely admitted I wouldn't kiss him, and that I regretted that decision. I saw him as a man of honour, decency, kindness... someone I saw on a regular basis, that I spoke to last thing every night...who shared his life with me, once announcing he had to up his phone minutes and text messages, we communicated so much... who laughed with me, teased me, knew how I liked my coffee....we had a relationship, even if we never really kissed.
Over the last two months, a number of revelations were made to me, from his announcing on his Facebook he was in a relationship that didn't have my name on it (classy!), to his girlfriend exploring not only my journal, but, many of those who link here... seeking information on him, I was told.
Now, I am removed from his life.... blocked from all the various places we kept in touch. I've a good idea why, and regardless of that, I am hurt a great deal by these actions. I was in the dark to what was going on, still receiving emails and text messages and the occasional phone call. I was told I was thought of and missed. During this time, Adj (nickname) was flown to his new work location in Zurich, to spend a few weeks. I'm stunned, because I cannot imagine playing this kind of game. A game that involved two women, one who snooped and found out about me, and me... lost in the belief I had a friend.
It's been a very difficult two months... as soon as I'd think it was over, something would happen to bring me back into their chaos. To think my friendship was worth so little I was, as the saying goes, thrown under the bus is emotionally shattering. To be told we never had a relationship in his eyes... I thought relationships were trust, honour, friendship, concern, communication--things we had for 15 months...was a slap in my face. Especially following words to the contrary that were sent to me via emails and text and in voice... on the phone and to my face. We weren't sure what we had, but, we knew it was a 'ship' of some kind.
To spend 15 months, and be 'replaced' in six weeks via an internet relationship, with lies going on while he was in his time with me, was heartbreaking. I am trying to move beyond it, the unfairness holds me back.
I've been Googled, searched out, written by the girl... I'm not sure why. I'm told it's to 'research' him. Well, this blog alone shows his affirmation to her that we were nothing more than friends who spoke on the phone hours a day was a pretty big lie. I never went into detail, however, being around him physically one to two weekends a month plus the occasional day we could squeeze into our schedules and all the talking we did, the shared confidences, the laughter... made us more than 'friends'.
To be denied any say in this is harsh. I've been assured it's not anything about me, it's all him... that lovely phrase used when someone knows they have been deliberate in their harm of another. I was told his concern is the girlfriend (his phrase, not mine) would tell their mutual friends of his duplicity and he'd lose his standing in his filk community of being a good guy. He says, he knows I'm one of the best friends he's ever had in his life... and he'll work at keeping that.
I guess he lied there, too.
I've held this inside, speaking to a few people, puzzling it out, crying in rejection, full of pain over this man I cared about so deeply, that I believed I could trust. I treat people the way I expect to be treated, and, I suppose that is what is going on now... they are treating each other the way they expect to be treated, with suspicion and distrust. I gave him levels to rise to, of good things... I really don't know what happened. I do know I have run the full length of feelings here, from taking it all on myself, to anger, to disbelief.
I am worthy of far better than this.
Yes, I can say what many will say... the possibility of them having a real, honest, decent relationship is slim. You cannot build on a foundation of mistrust and lies. Do I wish him harm? No. Do I wish him to hurt as I have? No. Do I still call him friend? No. Do I pity him, for being so afraid he'll do anything to keep this thing he has now going? Yes.
I have contacted him, and, after his first flurry of text messages and emails and phone calls... it's silent. I am done with for him, but, I'm not...or the continual dismissal of what we had, of me, would stop. I do not believe karma is a bitch; I do believe it will take a pound of flesh from you.
I am better than this.
I am not going to allow comments on this post... I hope those of you who read me will understand. This is something I need to do, to vent, to release to the universe the pain and betrayal I feel. To try and forgive him and remind myself I did nothing but trust.
And, to remind myself not to trust again.