Thursday, December 4, 2008

Getting My Groove Back

Days left before I go.

I'm back in the swing of things, back with the rhythm of the city, of the place, of the life. I walk everywhere, reducing ass and size and bringing the sounds of the street to my ears, the sights and the smells and the almost taste in the air at times.

I have my morning cup o'coffee from Nick's Diner, walking past the pile of bread left by the night crew from the bakery store. Pigeons flock over it, fighting with each other for small crumbs, the larger loaves hidden from sight by feathered bodies. Early in the morning, taking HF to school, the auto body shops are starting to open... I've a feeling some are chop shops...I'm certainly not going to ask. The guys stand around, sipping coffee, both the liquid and their breath making steam in the cold air, carrying conversations to the sky. One man says every day when I walk by, "She's a looker." He makes me smile.... I'm pretty sure he's at least 70...but, hey, a compliment is a compliment, right?

An event in the city, Upper West Side... F to 14th, the walk via tunnels to the 2... go to 96th and a beautiful venue. Two hours in the shared company of others with one of my favourite people in the world. It was worth the sharing.

Last week, dinner with CB and RB and their parents.... my C and I snuggled and murmured and cuddled for two hours. We discussed lemurs and reindeer. He kissed me a thousand times... and I was told he kept combing his hair because he knew he was going to see me. Both boys insisted I sit between them... RB chatted about school, his now healed broken arm... he showed me his palate expander (ew!) and was his usual genial self. My C, oh! he's grown! Resting his head on my shoulder, curled in my lap, stroking my face, twisting my curls... I cried when I left them.... I left them with the understanding if I want my apartment back in May, it's mine.

We shall see.

I was able to pass through two places, with no emotional bruise pain... and this is the best part of all. The difficult part of ending any relationship, be it a lover or a friend, is discovering the person you thought existed was not really there. We invent what we need at times... and to see bits of reality poke through has been difficult. Truth be told, a need was filled at the time.. I only find sorrow in the deceptions played and in my usual puzzlement at how people will use another person if it means shielding themselves.

I will miss standing on the platforms, bitching about the trains with other passengers... last night, the 'R' showed up on the 'N' side... we lemmings were startled, scared... what was this? The end of the world?? Hadn't the 'R' just pulled up on the proper side? We all stretched back and up to look at the sign... yes, it said, 'N'.... the other side said 'R'. WHAT WAS WRONG, DEAR GOD??? What was wrong, as evidenced by the quick enter and exit of the train, and the fully pissed off look on the engineer of the slow to pull in 'N', was the 'R' had used the wrong track.

HURRAH!!! All was right in our world again! You've no idea how it throws you, when you are pretty sure you are on the right platform, and the wrong train shows up and there is no Rod Serling....

Things are in the wind to change in Utah, I do believe.... fingers crossed there.... Sophie and I may be on the road again.

I can't wait.


Therapeutic Ramblings said...

You make me miss NYC. I don't miss the cold, but I miss the feel.

Bud said...

So much here. Very sweet to read about your reunion with the little guy. Rips me up to think of your leaving that. I'm filled with hope for you to return. The awful feeling of needing to be in two places at once, is familiar to me. I wrote a lot of bad poetry about it. I may mange yet to salvage a line or two for some lyric down the line.

Peter Varvel said...

"I was able to pass through two places, with no emotional bruise pain... I only find sorrow in the deceptions played and in my usual puzzlement at how people will use another person if it means shielding themselves."
This was so elegantly and eloquently articulated, per your usual, dear my Quin.
Thank you, once again.
Per my usual, I love you.

Anonymous said...

So glad you were able to spend that time with "your boys." You have a solid place in their hearts, for sure. Wrong train coming into the station... hmmmm. Kinda like life sometimes.

It's fun to read your thoughts, Quin, when you are so in your element, as you are in New York.

austere said...

Envied the clarity of your encapsulated philosophy which I shall now proceed to cut and keep.

The big city does something to you, Quin.

This is the dinosaur-savvy child, right?