Saturday, April 28, 2007


Before we are born, I believe, the Master of the Universe puts out our lifepath. People are put on that path for us to meet and make part of our lives, for good or bad.

It is our free will to take these people in, to keep them or reject them as the case may be...sometimes, we reject those we should have kept, and keep those we should run from screaming in fear.

Some are born into our families, we are stuck with them until we can run screaming in fear. I used to have two brothers, now I have one. I was smart enough to finally grasp I was only to have one, along with his amazing, dear wife. It took me some time to understand it was okay to only have one... my only sorrow is it took me so long to shut a door.

Some family members are born in our hearts. My two eldest children took root there... as dear to me as those three who had their beginning beneath my own heart...sometimes, I forget I didn't give birth, and when I start to use the guilt of childbirth, they remind me I wasn't there... I've also been fortunate in having sisters born in my heart. Women who have understood me, my neediness, my struggle with my disease, who nudge me when I speak from my ego in fear back to talking from my place of light, who remember my time when I was told to give them up or lose my children and family...and I believed the threat..and gave them up, cut myself off from those friends who were there for me during pregnancies and childbirth as I was for them.

They stood by, and waited. They understood the phrase, "right now". It gives me strength to understand it from others, even when I grow impatient and want to pound on doors and yell, "Time is precious!" not knowing if it matters, only knowing I want to listen with my heart to all that is said by the person on the other side.

These women, these beautiful, smart, witty, brilliant, talented in so many ways, these women are my stalwart companions in my life, who keep me on the as normal as it is possible for me to be on path. They remind me when I go into drama, who tell me I'm okay, who let me know I am lovable. That I am fine the way I am. I don't mention names here, privacy is especially important in this age of internet snooping. I don't do the "I know someone famous and you don't." because a) I don't know that for sure, and b)I don't get my strokes in life by bragging about who I know. The person is more important than the name. Besides, everyone still goes to the toilet the same way. Poo, it's the great equaliser.

Each of my friends has had something go on in their lives, and they bear that burden with grace and a sense of humour. One has woken up in ICU, with a major defect in her ability to process a vitamin in her body. Sounds simple, however, it's changed her life. She continues to teach and direct and laugh at her loss of short term memory. One struggles with a close betrayal, not wanting to give up on her soul deep love... she is there for every person who asks, but, will not ask for help herself. She is one of my best audience members, and we've been asked more than once if we've had too much to drink..when all we've had is water...because we laugh from the bottom of our feet. Another is my 'sisterwife', who jokes about my cancer, and announces in front of a crowd of people she needs to place an ad to get another second wife before I die with a straight face. Her family surrounds me with hugs and light and gossip. There is my friend in Oregon, that I've known for almost forever... her laughter is evident in her voice, she supports her daughter and her family, is the matriarch in the true fashion of the word since the death of her mother... offering advice, a shoulder, a centering point for her siblings, her children, her husband and his family. My friend who came out from Idaho, with whom I had a falling out, a vacation as we call it... we've mended fences, with delicate webs of words and tears. She has dreams and talent and love deep and abiding kindness. There is the friend I have on the end of a phoneline, who has met me only a few times, who struggles to raise her boys, yet never loses her sense of right and wrong. And, L, who lives far away, always on the end of an email or a phone call, her home has a room with my name on it, the Grand Canyon will never be the same after our visit.

There is my dear DSH, who stood by and waited for "right now" to end. Long years of waiting, still holding to our friendship, always solid and true. Her daughters, the Captain and Eddie giving me some of the best stories ever about children. Her husband trying to show my old one how to be a friend. Her photographic eye guides me when I look about, "How would DS see that?" "How would she frame this?". I beg for a piece from every installation she does, because her work, like another I know, tweaks the imagination, makes you think, is more than is what is there in front of you.

She has struggled to go beyond a slight from the one person who is supposed to love you no matter what... and has succeeded. She inspires me. She gets the photos I find in flea markets, marked, "To D, love, Uncle Ferd" and displays them as real family. She has a laugh that makes me laugh.

And, she has thighs I'd kill for.

Yes, the Master put many on my path.. some I let in for too long, some I put aside in error, some I wait for, perhaps in vain.

The ones here, I treasure beyond words.

Thank you all for being on my path.... I really don't deserve your time at times. Each person I listed has been my saviour in one way or another. Thank you.