Today, It's About Me

Some days, we withdraw.

Today was one of those for me, a rare event, it must be said.

From my first step onto the elevator...oh! how I love that word!... in my temporary new flat, granted by the lovely N, who knows so many of the same people I do back in the land of Utes, I plugged in the iPod, that amazing device that allows you to block out the world. Better than sunglasses, it keeps anyone from approaching, they see you are occupied, it's obivious you can't hear, your eyes are somewhat glazed over, so, therefore, you dwell in the land of your own making.

For once I ignored the lad who says, "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I AM ASKING YOUR HELP TO KEEP ME OFF THE STREETS! I AM SELLING YOU M&M'S AND STARBURST CANDY AT ONLY $1 EACH. DIG DEEP TO HELP ME OUT!"

I've a feeling this kid drives a Caddy.

I avoided eye contact. I didn't look and take count of the number of young men with their braids under cheap ski hats. I didn't pay attention to the people who tried to woo the terrier. I looked out the window at the stations as they went past, for once not playing the racing game with other trains... looking at the other people as their train keeps pace, then we pull ahead because we are the express!!

Dogs walked, chores done, plants placed, the old sad ones in the rubbish... everywhere, headset on.

I avoid seeking out something, someone to write about, to talk to... I do give directions to a few tourists... it's good manners.

Finally, coming back for the last walk of the day, looking towards Canal, I know I won't stay this way... there is too much here. Someone asked me if I had come here for someone, if I had finally stepped out of my cave and came to New York for a person.

No... the answer is no.

Yes, I was lured out and became bold at the request of a person... yes, I sucked it up and decided the world was interesting again because of words said. I'm glad they were. Perhaps, one day, that person will remember their end of all of this... perhaps not.

Either way, that event, the events of October, the clarity received then... changes made... and I came here for me.

I love it here, I don't always like it. The hunt for a permanent place is exhausting. I should bite the bullet and rent my own minuscule home... perhaps it's the niggling fear in the back of my mind that something will happen, and I'll grow ill and have to go back if I do that. Renting with another keeps me healthy in my way of thinking.

Tomorrow, I'll have the earplugs out, my frame of mind will be better, my heart will be sore, but, still in a place of hope. Billie Holiday sings of lamented, unrequited love... nice song, but, not my way of thinking.

Scarlet has my point of view.

There's always tomorrow.