Thursday, May 31, 2007

Miss H

Long ago, in a town far, far away from here...I met and married a man who had two children.

I became a step-mother.

You can approach this very delicate position in life a few ways... they are his kids, you see them rarely, you don't get involved, they are the bane of your existence, take away time from your new spouse, money from your pocket, create chaos in your new life, when your own children come along, there is trouble there...the list is endless.

It's one reason more second marriages fail than first ones.

I went into it the way I go into most things in my life...I jumped than looked around. I married a family, not just a man. Let him deal with the ex, although I did my fair share of that...and her husband! Oy! That's a book in itself... he wanted nothing to do with those kids once they had their own... again, a book in itself, and there is a nice bed in hell where he rests now.

I married a man who had two children, the Slumlord, so named because he owns more than one home...the second bought to give his sister a place to settle and have her child, and MissH.

She was two when we married... one when we started to date. She had these big blue eyes and curly blonde hair and a huge mouth. Huge. Like her dad, you never offer MissH a bite of anything, or you are left with nothing.

I used to stand and rock her to sleep, holding her close.. she had speech problems, ones no one would address, so, the wicked step-mother took her and had her tested. I was cursed roundly by her was worth it. She got the therapy she needed, and finally, and the age of three, she was able to talk enough that you could understand her.

I felt this way...they never came for visitation, they came home. I never spoke about their mother in a negative way...well, I slipped on occasion, but, it was home they came to... they shared rooms with their siblings, they had their clothes, they were treated no differently. Life went on, only in two houses. I refused to let guilt step in. Your parents are divorced? Big deal, so are mine.

She called me 'Mom' from the age of three.. and if you ask about her mom, she will talk about me. Their natural mother gave up custody when she was ten, and didn't see them for five years.. see the step-father, I guess that's what I became.

She has a big booming laugh, worries about everyone, has a head like a rock, can cuss like a sailor. I worry about her, we all do...and now she carries my first grandchild. She asked, "What do you want to be called?" and in my complete weirded out of being that old, I suggested 'Miss Quin'.

That didn't fly.

We settled on Nonnie. I wanted MawMaw... it's not done in Denver.

She has a mouth that holds a smile that goes on is surrounded by masses of tiny dimples. She is short, the shortest of my to TheInvestment and his 6'5"ness, she almost disappears. She has grown into a good woman, who will take over my reins eventually...but, for awhile...oh, for awhile, she was my wild child.

I remember at one point, every man she dated was arrested for something. I said, "Do you go to the Post Office and pick them off the wall?" She had no self-esteem... her search for a man to love her for her was long. She is beautiful, but thought the way to get a man was to be flashy and trashy, and that is how she was treated.

It took her to realise she was a woman, and beautiful inside and out to change her. I still worry about her, but, she's settled now, focused on her life, on her baby, on being a good mother.

She adored her siblings when they arrived...and HRH was her personal toy. She was my little girl always, I simply can't remember not having her, to the point I went into a guilt rant once, and said...

"All those hours of lab..."

She cut me short..."Mom, wrong kid."

No, I didn't labour to have her, we laboured other ways, to build our relationship as parents and children do...

She is not bone of my bone, nor blood of my blood, she was not born beneath my heart, but, in it.

Happy Birthday, Miss H.

I love you forever.


Ha Ha Sound said...

I think Stepmoms have it tough. My sister's and my personal nickname for my Dad's girlfriend of 20 years is, unofficially, the Whore. Thankfully, they never married.

Quin said...

hh~theslumlord said the best gift he's ever received was that his stepdad dropped dead his birthday...says it all

LisaB said...

This is such a lovely and dear post! Your daughter, and indeed all your kids, are so lucky to have you.

You rock, Miss Quin.

Quin said...

miss lisa~thank you kindly. it's the best thing i'll leave kids.

Verminous Countenance said...

My wife wasn't prepared for the reality of a teenage daughter. I really doubt they'll ever get along, I'm just hoping to keep them civil till my daughter goes to college, or till the wife decides I'm not worth it LOL.

Clinton said...

My mother is currently doing the stepmom thing at age 52; she met, fell in love and married (or as married as two women can be in Texas) a wonderful woman who's got two tween-age kids.

She's having a rough go of it, but she's also Supermom, so she'll get through it just fine.

Anyhoo, your story was sweet and it reminded me of her.

(Also, see... I do read your blog!)

Quin said...

verm~teenagers do the mean thing because they are readying themselves to move on, and in the step mom thing, they are afraid they'll step on toes.

c-man~had to make a liar out of me! as long as your momma has big hair, she's a married texas woman. you give her my 'you go girl'...

golfwidow said...

What a great tribute - and a great legacy. She'll be a good parent because you have been one.

Quin said...

gw~i was going to say something smartass.. instead, thank you. thanks to all of you. thanks.

ellagood said...

i dated a man much older than me who had a 13 year old son.

the son was in love with me, so it was rather uncomfortable.

fortunately, the man in question was a total fucking asshole so i didn't have to stress for too long.

Quin said...

ella~they do fall in love at that age. i got my two at the ages of two and, it wasn't an 'ew' love.