Stylin'

While strolling the streets yesterday, enjoying my last days here in downtown, pretending I didn't have a shopping bag in my hand, and later...walking the dogs, chatting with the guys over at the Grand while they (the dogs, not the guys) drank from the water bar there...during all of that time, I was noticing the various garb worn by my fellow New Yorker's now that the heat is on.

I'm sure a few were tourists...the ones with the cameras and the wallets showing in their back pockets and the guy walking on Canal with his kids who had, I kid you not, a wad of cash in his hand as he counted it to hand some to them. I've seen this happen before, and it always astounds me. I felt compelled to say, "Sir, you are on Canal Street in New York City...and there are some people looking at that money... you might want to not do what you are doing here and now."

His reply? "Fuck off."

Ah! The milk of human kindness. The big mouth of me.

Back to summer clothing.

I am pale. Not the point of translucent skin girl at the Apple store. She looked as if she'd lived under a rock all of her life. You could see her veins. You could see the blood moving in her veins. It wasn't a pretty pale, it was...lab rat weird. I am pale...when my levels are low, I get paler...some mornings, I wake up, look down on my white sheets, and say in a Ronald Regan voice, "Where's the rest of me??". Then I see my red polish on my pedicured toes and calm down.

Point one...do not wear white if you have white skin. It's not pretty. I'm not saying a white blouse or a cute white top. I'm talking white shorts or capri's. I almost said pedal pushers, but, I'm trying to catch up to the times. It doesn't work. You see yourself from your internal point of view. We are seeing the other side. Trust us.

Point two...do not wear high heels if you can't walk in them. Do not wear open toed or open heeled shoes of any kind if you have not had a pedicure in the last two weeks, minimum. The pedicure is your friend. This goes for men, too. If your S.O. is scratching their legs on your heels, your nasty, cracked, ugly heels... it's time to cough up the money and get a pedicure. Being celibate for the (kids...skip a few lines) eight or so years I have, you find something to do...it was either tatting or pedicures...it took me years to remember how to cast off in knitting, resulting in the eight-foot long scarf...so, pedicures was the way to go. It is ew to see long, yellow toenails on either sex in open toed sandals, heels that are tearing the inside lining of the shoe or gross feet of any kind. Few of us have nice feet to begin with... show what you have with some thought for the viewing public.

Point three...new styles are so comfy looking, cool, serene. The leggings, the flowing tops, the short sleeves, the cap sleeves, the no sleeves. Fine if you are a size that can handle it. Better if you are an age that can handle it. No woman my age should be in something her daughter should wear. It's like being Lindsay Lohan's mom and saying, "I've got a new idea for double dating!". No. No. And no again. When your under arm continues to move after you've stopped waving...three quarter length sleeve. If you have to lie down to button those jeans and they've already got lycra in them? Go to a bigger size. Go two sizes bigger. If your shirt is so tight, we can see your stretch marks? Embrace the billowing shirts this season. I do not want to see any pants on anyone that lets me know your sex without looking at your face. Accept your age, your body type and get over the fact you cannot wear that cute white top with the lace. I did.

Point four...just because it's on the catwalk and you can afford it doesn't mean it's nice looking and you should wear it. Jus' saying is all.

Point five....if you wear shorts....don't let them ride up your inner thigh. Please. Again, this is both sexes. Really, please.

Point six....accessories are great. Less is more, remember that.

Point seven...purses. What in the hell are you carrying in those monsters?? A spare boyfriend?

Point eight...undergarments. Get a good fitting bra. Not one that makes you have four breasts... not one that undersupports you. Large bresticles are one way to attract men...it's nature's way. Still, when you are briskly walking on step seven, and your breasticles are re-bounding from step two...you need support. They do not need to hang out on the sides, either. They are meant to be up front.... and above your waistline.


I'm done. Like I have to room to talk about fashion...ha! Anyone who meets/knows me will see this. I have in my closet jeans, linen or cotton trousers and skirts, cotton tops and a silk dress. I wear ballet flats and cowboy boots. My jewelry consists of my dad's wedding ring on my thumb, a watch, a necklace and my gold earrings. I used to wear pearl earrings.... sadly, I lost one in Brooklyn. A fashion icon I'm not.

From my point of view, I look presentable. I won't stop traffic, but, I won't curdle milk, either. Staying away from reflective surfaces keeps me thinking that way.