What?

My arrival back home on Wednesday morning was eventful, to say the least.

The red eye earns it's name for many reasons...the main one being, well, you have red eyes. Try as you might, you can't really sleep, your body is trying to re-adjust to east coast time, you take some kind of sleeping aid and in the back of your weary mind, you think, "I can't sleep, I have to work!" so, you never fall to a full sleep...plus, there is that concern of snoring...and sleep drool.

A friend of mine once met a great guy in first class on the red eye from LA to NYC...they chatted, flirted, discussed meeting up, had a drink or two, even exchanged saliva and she drifted off, her head falling over onto his very expensive suit coat that he'd not yet removed. Upon arrival, she felt him not in a gentle way, nudging her to move.

She was unable to easily do so...seems she'd drooled during her snoring session that had started somewhere over Denver. Mixing vodka and her sleeping pill was a no-no. She'd drooled over his shoulder and down the front of his suit. Did I mention it was very, very expensive? She had to peel her face off of the fabric, the entire time muttering apologies and offering her card to pay for the cleaning...

Needless to say, the date never happened, nor did he take her up on the cleaning. I believe she said the air was rather frosty around him, and she sat in her seat until the clean up crew boarded.

Where was I? Oh, yes.. the flight.

It started to go poorly when I was ticketed, had the flight changed, talked to countless United personnel, all of them cooing over the terrier, all of them looking at my boarding and ticketing information.... and then was stopped by the Wicked Rulekeeper of the West; Raoul.

"Excuse me, where is the dog's luggage marker?"

"What?" I tend to say 'what' quite a bit in life.

"The luggage marker? The one they gave you to show you paid the $85 for the dog to fly."

"I wasn't given a marker. I paid the money at JFK, and I walked on"

"Ohhhhhhhh...well, that was one way. You have to pay again."

"What?" (see what I mean?)

"You have to pay again."

"The woman told me it was round trip."

"No, it is one way."

"You mean, she's carry on luggage, I've talked to at least three people who have looked at my itinerary, who've played with her, the woman who changed my stuff at JFK and charged me then and told me it was a round trip fare... all of them were wrong, and you are collecting my $85 AGAIN???"

"Only if you want to fly home." The bastard had the nerve to smirk.

"WHAT??"

There went the cab ride home.

We had a spare seat between us, and a Guido in front of me on the trip home. I am quickly becoming a real New York person, as the Guido was rude, had on all the Guido paraphernalia, and was all I've read they are on certain blogs that will remain nameless *coughCAJUNBOYcough*

Making the 'A' train as it arrived was a blessing... I only had to go to 181st, up to the old flat, sleep for three hours, then, back down to Tribeca, work, back up to 181st, get the keys for the new place, take a cab with my suitcases that were left because my new landlord had moved the big cases and settle in.

Easy peasy.

The car had four people in it, counting myself. I was on the long seat, towards the front of the car.. this is important. On the little short seat by the front door was a woman and her companion... I settled in, put on my wonderful vintage red raybans and closed my eyes...no people watching for this woman.

"AHEM"

"What?"

I looked up to see the woman bent over me the way a parent bends over a child, with that same look...

"You may not realise it, but, this train will soon fill with commuters, it's the 7A train, and, your dog may get nervous. Perhaps you should put it in the case."

"Oh, I appreciate your kindness (I actually did) but, she's a train dog..she rides it every day. See? (she was already asleep on my lap). She's been in the case for over five hours, and needs to be out so she can stretch. But, thank you." I smiled...glasses on, I settled back.

She didn't go away.

"To be honest, I'm nervous with your dog out."

"What?"

"I'm nervous. I'm worried she might get violent."

"Ummm. you are a good, what, 10-15 feet away? The dog is sleeping. I promise, if she gets upset, I'll put her away. Thanks again." Glasses back on.

She stood her ground.

And raised her voice... understand, the dog never moved.

"THIS IS AGAINST THE LAW!!! IF YOU DOG GOES CRAZY AND BITES ME, I COULD SUE YOU!!"

"First off, I've checked, she can sit on my lap. Secondly, if you sue, I hope you wear a size 8 1/2, because all you will get is 25 pairs of shoes."

"YOU ARE A LAW BREAKER!!! YOU SHOULD BE ARRESTED!!!! THIS IS DISGUSTING!!!"

By now, we've picked up other passengers, who are listening. The terrier has opened one eye.

And I've had it. I stared hard, and didn't raise my voice, but, I did project it.

"Lady, rape is against the law. Molesting children is against the law. Electing George Bush and letting our young men and women die in Iraq is most definitely disgusting. If you think that my ten pound dog sleeping on my lap is the worst thing you can be upset about, your priorities are fucked up. Go sit down, and worry about something that has a huge impact on society, like people who tear the tags off of their pillows and mattresses."

She backed off...her boyfriend yelled... "SHUT UP, YOU!!"

I said, "Fuck...and, let me think about it...hmmmm...yesss.... oh, right...you." Glare done, glasses on, terrier still snoozing...I think I won.


This means I've lived in three of five boroughs, met a Guido, been called mamiii, and had an altercation on the train.

Oh, yeah, and my big cases didn't get moved, so, I have to take the 4 down, switch over to the A, go uptown to the old place, and move one at a time, bringing them back here, where I pull them up five flights of stairs.

Ich bin ein New Yorker....or in my hood, it's Soy un Nuevo Yorker.